


Ashtray Heart

by ffairyy



Category: GOT7
Genre: Actor!Jinyoung, M/M, director!jaebum, kinda angsty but not really, some side jingyeom but not really, some smut and some fluff too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 04:11:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8606917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffairyy/pseuds/ffairyy
Summary: Jinyoung just got his first proper role in a movie and he loved many things about being an actor, but the one thing that made him most excited to be on set every day was definitely the director.





	1. TAKE ONE

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [JinyoungFicFest](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/JinyoungFicFest) collection. 



> **trigger warnings include:** suicide mention, mental illness mention (not an actual thing that happens to any of the characters)

 

**TAKE ONE**

 

_♡ Never stop being greedy and you're gonna break all of their hearts ♡_

 

It wasn’t Hollywood, but it was a start.  
The movie Ashtray Heart would be an indie production, but not the smallest one on the market. Jinyoung even knew one or two of the other actors from movies he’d watched on TV.

It had been four weeks ago that he heard of the casting and his best friend Mark persuaded him to try it out. So he did.  
He felt like an absolute amateur when he stood in front of a jury of six people, including the director, who also wrote a big part of the script, and the second screenwriter, and he acted out a dramatic scene from the manuscript.  
He even cried for them.  
The one thing he was really proud of was the crying on request.  
That must have been what convinced the director- his determination- or so Mark said.

“Thank you,” the director said, “We’ll get back to you in the next seven days if you’re chosen.”  
He was an incredibly young looking man with black hair and pierced ears. He could’ve as well been a DJ at an underground rock bar or something.  
Jinyoung immediately wondered how he got into the position of directing a movie, when he didn’t look older than 25. But he wouldn’t complain about possibly working with a man this attractive on his first ever movie.

“Will I get notified if I don’t get the role?” Jinyoung asked and watched the director chuckle as if he had told an especially refreshing joke.

“There have been quite a few people who want this role, y’know,” he said and patted Jinyoung on the back, before he left him standing like that.  
Jinyoung wasn’t sure if that answered his question, but he decided to just wait.

The script was the best he’d read in quite a while, not that he was in a position to be picky.  
The last project he had had a role in was a tiny theater show in 5 different theaters, about 200 viewers per show.  
And now a movie that would be broadcasted in television all over South Korea. It was quite the step and while Jinyoung had definitely nearly cried happy tears when he got the news that he had the role, he still felt the pressure on him like a tons heavy weight.  
  
His role wasn’t the main character, but one of them. A difficult character to get into.  
He had to play Junior, the son of the female main character, who had quite the tragic part in the movie.  
Jinyoung might have shed a tear or two when he read the script and it would be an understatement to say that he was intimidated. He was scared shitless to fuck that character up. Jinyoung wanted him to be perfect.  
Perfectly tragic.

As soon as he knew he got the role, he celebrated the news with his best friend Mark. They had known each other for seven years now and the good thing about Mark was that he never expected much when they met. So celebrating good news usually meant sitting in a McDonalds at 10pm.  
“Is there gonna be a kiss scene?” Mark asked excitedly while wiping his mouth with a paper towel. Then he continued stuffing his face with a dripping burger. Jinyoung watched him and wasn’t sure if he should be disgusted at the amount of oil that sat in the corner of Mark’s mouth or if he should be impressed because he truly could shoot an advertisement for McDonalds like this.  
Mark was bad at acting- like truly really bad at it- but when he felt something, it was real. It was believable. Right now he really enjoyed his burger and Jinyoung didn’t doubt it for a second.

“Urgh,” Jinyoung huffed while picking out a few fries to eat, “don’t remind me… there’s even gonna be a sex scene.”

“Are you serious?” Mark exclaimed and burst into laughter when he saw Jinyoung’s embarrassed face. He wiped a little bit of food from the table that had escaped his mouth. “Oh my god, you’re going to act out a sex scene?”

“It’s not that long and it’s not like you really see anything…”

“But you’re going to be nearly naked on set? And there will be people watching?”  
When Mark enjoyed something, the whole world could tell. And right now he loved the news and the way Jinyoung’s head was turning red and hot faster than could be healthy.

“It’s good to know that I can count on your support,” he mumbled.

Mark laughed again and he even laid his beloved burger down for a moment to take a sip of the cola they shared.

“This is amazing,” he giggled, “I’m gonna watch that movie with my whole family when it’s out.”

“Shut up, you won’t.”

“I will,” Mark grinned. ”You know how much my mom adores actor Park and imagine Jackson’s face…Oh my god have you met the actress yet?”

“Uhm… No,” Jinyoung said, “I told you Junior is gay.”

“Oh yeah right, that’s why you wanted the role so badly,” Mark thought about it for a moment and then his grin grew on his face again. “So me and all of south Korea are gonna see you make out with a guy on national TV?”

Jinyoung loved Mark, he really did. But for having been friends for more than seven years, Mark shouldn’t enjoy humiliating him like this. Not this much.

“Don’t get too excited, man,” Jinyoung hissed, “it’s just another scene.”

But Mark didn’t shut up about it the whole time while Jinyoung ate his fast food and tried to blind out his best friend’s voice like it was an annoying advertisement.  
He thought about Junior instead.  
Nobody in the team should regret picking Jinyoung for the role.  
He was just one of the three main characters, but like in real life those are what make the movie interesting.  
It’s all about the friends and people you eat burgers with at 10pm and the ones that encourage you to go to castings when you don’t believe in getting the role at all.

Junior was a character with many different roles and faces.  
Junior would have to be a friend, a brother, a son, a lover, a classmate … and Jinyoung would have to be the best actor possible to make them all come to live.  
When Mark and him walked to the bus, it had already gotten dark outside. A cold autumn night was waiting for them around the corner and Jinyoung pulled his jacket a little tighter around himself. He had a feeling that it was gonna rain that night. It was like the rain was just waiting for its signal. Maybe it waited for the two of them to get home dryly.

“Yah, actor Park,” Mark said while they were waiting for Mark’s bus. “I’m proud of you.”

“You won’t see the movie in another six months,” Jinyoung smiled, “don’t be too quick with judging.”

“You’re going to be great, like you always are.” Mark rolled his eyes but he couldn’t hide the warmth in his voice. Jinyoung loosened the arms he had wrapped around himself.  
They stood there in silence for two more minutes and Jinyoung watched Mark playing some retro game on his phone. Then Mark’s bus came and he hugged Jinyoung quickly.

A few people came out of it as soon as the door opened and Jinyoung wondered if the rain would wait until all of them were home. Probably not.

“Jinyoung,” Mark said, one foot in the bus, his hand holding the door open, ”when you’re in Hollywood one day, don’t forget about me.”  
Mark grinned while saying it, but he was a terrible actor. Jinyoung could see the anxious spark in his eyes, waiting for reassurance.  
He nodded.

“Of course not.”  
And then Mark’s smile got real and alive again and the doors closed just like that.

On his way home Jinyoung couldn’t get the stupid nostalgia to leave his chest.  
Why did new beginnings always make him so damn nostalgic?

The budget for the movie was limited, so apart from the local crew, the main actors all lived in a house they had rented for ten weeks. It was also a part of the set because they’d use the kitchen for the movie and the set designers had turned one of the rooms into Junior’s room.

Jinyoung shared a room with the actor that would play Junior’s love interest.  
He was a tall grown boy with fading red hair and a charismatic face, his hair falling over his eyes a little bit and his smile showing his prominent cheek bones.  
His voice surprisingly soft when he introduced himself as Yugyeom.

It was alright. Of course he would have preferred a room of his own, but he wouldn’t dare to be picky when given a chance like this.  
He also figured it wouldn’t be a bad idea to get to know the guy a little, before he had his first scene with him.  
The house wasn’t too big.  
The director stayed in a caravan outside of it because there wasn’t enough space and everything was a little bit improvised, but Jinyoung’s first nights were exciting. He could barely fall asleep because he only thought about one thing.  
He was going to be in a real movie.

So when he had to do the same scene for the fifth time on a Wednesday afternoon, his nerves were killing him. It was still only his first week on set and they filmed a scene that would be set in the last third of the movie, so it wasn’t exactly easy to get into the role. Jinyoung felt like he barely knew Junior yet, like he hadn’t explored his character enough.

“I’m sorry,” he said and watched as the cameraman pulled back the huge camera and how Im Jaebum leant back in his director’s chair and stretched his arms.

“Let’s take a short break,” he announced. “Jinyoung, can I talk to you for a second?”

Jinyoung felt the guilt and the nervousness eat at him when he walked over to where Im Jaebum was waiting for him.  
Patiently, but nevertheless with a thoughtful expression on his face.  
Jinyoung would never miss the tiny spark of disappointment in people’s eyes when they looked at him. Those were the things he noticed first and it would always make him feel smaller.  
When he stood in front of Im Jaebum he didn’t feel small, but guilty.

“I’m sorry, I swear I’ll get it right in the next take,” he mumbled while biting his lips a little, a bad habit that made him feel like a 13 year old rather than 23.

“Mhh,” Im Jaebum hummed and had his eyes closed when he thought about his words, “Let me ask you a question. Why do you think Junior doesn’t pick up the phone in this scene? Tell me what you think is happening.”  
He looked at Jinyoung with stern eyes and while he thought about it for a moment, Im Jaebum grabbed a water bottle and took a sip out of it.

“I think he feels numb,” Jinyoung said, “he’s been drifting into depression for months and he tries to keep his life the way it is, but he realizes that he doesn’t have enough strength…and when his best friend calls him, there’s worlds between them now…and he wants the help, but he doesn’t know how to take it… I guess he’s overwhelmed and numb at the same time.”

Im Jaebum looked at him with a serious expression, stroked his hair back and readjusted the black glasses on his nose.  
Then he nodded.

“Yes,” he agreed. “And now, Jinyoung, I want you to show me exactly what you just said. Show me how it looks to be overwhelmed and numb at the same time. You’re ill and you need help, but you can’t take it. Show me the despair.”

Jinyoung looked at him and forgot to speak for a moment. He wondered if every director was this passionate about their project. He could’ve listened to him talk about it forever and he nodded quickly when Jaebum gave him a thin smile.

“Okay,” Jinyoung said and when he wanted to turn around to get back into the scene, Im Jaebum stopped him.  
Jinyoung looked at him confused when he reached out for his head and ruffled through his hair, fussing it up into a mess.  
“Remember, you haven’t showered in forever and spent the day in bed.” He let his tongue click. “So don’t look like a pretty boy.”

Jinyoung felt his heart beat a little faster at the sudden touch.

“Okay.” He nodded. “Got it.”  
And he got back into the scene with more confidence than before.  
If not to finally finish the take, then at least to make Im Jaebum proud of him.

In the first week of being a part of this project Jinyoung understood that he had a lot to learn. Yes, he could cry on demand, yes he could speak clearly and loudly, but there was so much more.  
He needed to learn patience most of all, needed to learn how to deal with pressure and with people watching him being vulnerable.  
How to not only look happy, but like there’s a whole blue sky inside his chest.  
How to not only act angry, but like there’s bombs about to implode in his throat.  
Jinyoung knew how to say something and make it sound dramatic, but he wanted his voice to travel right through the screen and wrap its hands around the viewer’s throats. Wanted them to feel every emotion just as much as Junior did. Wanted them to find it hard to breathe when they saw him on their TV screens.  
Wanted them wrapped around his finger, and never just watching out of boredom.

Im Jaebum could be harsh with his criticism, but whenever he praised him for the way he poured his soul into this character, Jinyoung felt warmth spreading through his whole body.  
“I want the viewers to fall in love with Junior,” Jinyoung told him, “so I can really break their hearts.”

Jinyoung nearly expected him to laugh, but he didn’t.  
Im Jaebum looked at him with an indefinable expression on his face and Jinyoung didn’t miss the way he eyed him up for a second. He didn’t have time to get shy though, because the moment was over as soon as it had appeared and then Jaebum showed him a crooked grin.

“You’re so greedy,” he told him and stood up from his chair so he was just a tiny little bit taller than Jinyoung, “that’s exactly why we chose you. Never stop being greedy and you’re gonna break all of their hearts.”

“T-that’s my plan,” Jinyoung said. Not half as confidently as he started.

It was still the first week but he felt like he was a real part of this crew.  
He loved Ashtray Heart, he loved the script and he loved his role Junior. Practicing his lines with the other actors was fun, even though he felt like an amateur. Reciting his lines in front of the whole cast and earning one or two words of encouragement or compliments made him burn with pride.

But even during the first week, the one thing that made him most excited to be on set every day was definitely the director.

 

Im Jaebum was a laid back guy. Literally.  
Most of his time on set he spent leaning back in his director's chair and watching the actors with a concentrated look in his eyes.  
When he talked it was calm and controlled and sometimes Jinyoung wondered if he’d make a good actor himself or if he maybe even was one?  
He was still so young, only 25 years old, and Jinyoung wanted to ask him how he managed to already lead the production of a real movie.  
Wanted to ask him so many things. If he had gone to university and if his parents worked in the same industry and if he ever felt like he had no idea what he was doing.

The way Jaebum taught him how to get into the role and the tips he gave him seemed so experienced, but then again, this wouldn’t be his job if he wasn’t able to understand the people he worked with.  
But even though he was laid back, Jinyoung couldn’t recall a single moment when his eyes weren’t filled with passion and with every day they spent on set together, Jinyoung started to think that Jaebum could see through people with those sharp eyes like they were glass.

And whenever he gave them food for thought, it was like he just blew a little air into the flame that was burning inside of every single actor. He didn’t give commands, he just reminded people of that flame inside them and the rest usually happened within them.  
Jinyoung didn’t have experience with many directors, but he never saw somebody believe in their crew as much as Im Jaebum did.  
Sometimes when he told Jinyoung to try a line again, it wasn’t because he wanted it to be perfect. It was more like he desperately needed Jinyoung to see what he was capable of.  
It felt like he reached right inside of his chest and pulled the inspiration onto the surface and Jinyoung couldn’t help but wonder where he learned to do that.  
Or if maybe it was magic.

So far there’d only been scenes in the little messy room, which the set designers had adjusted to Junior’s character perfectly.  
There were posters on the walls of bands like Nirvana and Depeche Mode and a single painting of a samurai in a cartoony style. It was a dark room; the lighting technicians had done a perfect job setting the atmosphere.  
Jinyoung thought he’d get depressed too if he had to live in a room like that, but there was more to it.  
It wasn’t just a room, it was a personality. It was a character and it spoke volumes about Junior and his mother and brother and everyone involved in their story.

A movie usually only takes a bit over an hour and while the most important things need to be said through dialogue and acting and plot, the cracks were filled with scenery.  
The sets filled the holes and they could tell you novels about a character if you took the time to look at them.  
The word depression wasn’t present during most of the script, but the pills and the glass of water on Junior’s nightstand told the viewers everything they needed to know.  
A miserable looking houseplant spoke volumes about the character’s ability to care for anything in his life.  
Jinyoung felt honored to act in these surroundings, because he truly worked with professionals and they all did their jobs with passion so he could tell the best story possible with his character.

After the fifth wrapped up scene in Junior’s little, messy room, Jinyoung started to feel at home there. It was like the room was giving him hints and reminded him who his character was. It was like the room cooperated with him as an actor and Jinyoung mentally thanked the set designers for their incredible work.

The scene was a heavy one. Heavy to read, heavy to play and hopefully heavy to watch.  
Junior lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, his hand playing with a bottle of pills absentmindedly.

If there was one thing Jinyoung took pride in it was that he could cry on demand.  
He wouldn’t want to admit just how easy it came to him. It was like he was always ready to cry, so he just had to pull up one or two memories to his conscience and the dam was broken.

One of his go to memories was the day he was informed about the suicide of his best childhood friend Tara, a girl he was crushing on a good amount of the time they spent together. He remembered her as a bright kid, smarter than most adults he knew, beautiful black hair in a ponytail, and always asking questions.  
Jinyoung lost contact to her years before it happened, but he would never forget the feeling when his mother sat him down to tell him about her death when he was 16 and she would’ve turned 18 in a month.  
This memory always did the trick.

His favorite acting coach in his high school drama club had told him not to use that technique too often, as it could be emotionally draining. That emotions didn’t have to be real to be believable.  
But Jinyoung needed them raw and real and heart wrenching.

So when Jaebum announced that the scene was a wrap, Jinyoung tried his best to stop crying. The two camera people turned away in embarrassment and the rest of the crew left the room without a word.  
They gave him the space he needed, but he felt like an amateur.  
He still sat on the bed with his head in his hands and he had his fingers wrapped around the bottle of pills so tightly that his knuckles turned white.  
He nearly missed the moment Jaebum sat down beside him, and startled a little bit.

“That’s gonna be an impressive scene when it’s edited,” Jaebum told him and Jinyoung could hear the caring smile in his voice.

“I’m sorry, I’ll be back to normal in a second,” Jinyoung brought out, a sob shaking his words like an earthquake.

“It’s alright, take your time.”  
Jinyoung felt Jaebum’s hand on his and how he gently freed the bottle of pills out of his grip. “Do you wanna tell me which memory you used?”

Jinyoung sat up on the edge of the bed and wiped away the wetness around his eyes with his sleeve.  
He wasn’t surprised that Jaebum knew exactly how he had managed to cry like this.

“A friend of mine killed herself,” he whispered, “and I thought of her.”

Jaebum hummed as if he had assumed something like that.  
Then he gave Jinyoung a tissue and leaned back onto his arms a little. He smiled a smile that showed that there was a whole lecture waiting to get out, but he didn’t say a word about Jinyoung’s acting choices.

“Do you think she’d be proud of you?” he asked.

“Oh, she would.” Jinyoung smiled. ”She’d ask so many questions. She used to love movies.”

Jaebum only hummed again and that sound alone made Jinyoung’s every cell feel calmer and his breathing slowly got easier.  
“Can I ask you something?” Jinyoung heard himself say.

“Of course.”

“How did you get into this position?”

Jaebum looked surprised for a split second and then he smiled.  
“My dad’s an actor, so I spent half my life on set. It was lots of luck that people deemed me worthy of leading a production like this.

“But you’ve done it before?”  
“On shorts, yeah. Since I was 18,” Jaebum sighed, “But Ashtray Heart is my baby. It’s the first script I helped writing.”  
Jinyoung shook his head in disbelief.  
He knew that the script was partly written by the director himself, but it was strange to sit beside this 25 year old guy with all his piercings and that mischievous spark in his eyes and imagine him writing a script like this.  
It was even stranger that Jinyoung was able to sit here beside him and be an actual part of the project that meant so much to Im Jaebum.

“I expect a lot of you,” Jaebum suddenly said with a serious tone in his voice, “but just because I’m 300% sure that you’re the right one for this.”

Jaebum stood up and playfully threw the pack of tissues to him. Jinyoung caught them and looked up at him in amazement.

“There’s an energy in you that you don’t even know you have,” he continued, “I want you to keep that in mind.”  
And with that he turned around and left the room, and Jinyoung sat on Junior’s bed a little longer and tried to keep the dumb smile off his face. His tearstains made his cheeks feel dry and disgusting, but his whole body felt warm.


	2. TAKE TWO

**TAKE TWO**

 

_♡ Jinyoung decided he’d jump into ice water any day if his reward was Im Jaebum’s hands on him ♡_

 

It was on Monday night of his third week when they filmed Jinyoung’s first outdoor scene.  
And it was unlike anything he’d ever done.  
They had driven for three hours out of the town and through a huge forest, and arrived at a small lake, nothing but nature around it.  
They’d stay there for two days and hopefully get all the lake scenes done.  
Jinyoung shared a caravan with Yugyeom.  
   
Opposite to the cold temperatures that the beginning of autumn brought, it was midsummer in the movie and the scene that night took place at the lake.  
It wasn’t hard to get the atmosphere right around them. They had to clear the set of a bunch of leaves that gave the actual season away and they even decorated the scene with some summery plants and Jinyoung was impressed at how real it all looked when the set designers were done.  
But no matter how real it looked, it didn’t change the fact that Jinyoung’s feet were already cold, even though he wore cotton-lined shoes and that he already wondered how to get rid of the goose bumps on his body as soon as he’d be undressed.  
Because yes, he would be swimming in the lake that night.   
  
Jinyoung tried not to over-think it and instead did his best to keep up the small talk with Yugyeom, who he had already gotten to know a little.  
This was gonna be their first proper scene together.  
  
Yugyeom was also wrapped up in a coat and had a fluffy, yellow scarf hanging loosely around his shoulders.   
Jinyoung couldn’t help but think about the sex scene they had to do together at some point, but put that thought into the back of his head.   
It wasn’t the first time he thought about it.  
  
“So, you know your lines?” Jinyoung smiled at him and Yugyeom nodded.  
  
“Of course,” he grinned, “How about you?”  
  
“Of course,” Jinyoung echoed. “Are you as cold as I am right now? Because the last thing I wanna do is strip…”  
  
“Yeah, I’m freezing,” Yugyeom sighed, “but I shot a scene like this before and they probably have lots of heating pads and blankets ready for us.”  
  
Jinyoung hummed.   
“They better have…”  
  
He wasn’t sure why he had assumed that Yugyeom was as inexperienced as he was and it probably should’ve made him feel more comfortable or secure while acting with him for the first time, but he couldn’t help his pride hurting as if someone had smashed it with a hammer.  
Of course there’d be people who were younger than him and more experienced at the same time. If Jinyoung wanted to become a professional in this industry, he’d have to learn to deal with that.   
  
When Jaebum arrived at the set, he wore a black leather jacket and a dark grey scarf and Jinyoung felt excitement build up in his stomach when he saw him.  
He walked right towards the two of them.  
  
“Ahh, you’re already preparing,” Jaebum said. “You’ll see; Yugyeom is a pleasure to work with”  
  
“I’m sure he is,” Jinyoung said, but kept looking at Jaebum expectantly. “I’ll work hard, too.”  
  
“Of course you will.”  
 Jaebum’s voice was a bit husky and Jinyoung nearly couldn’t endure the way he looked at him- looked him up and down- and absentmindedly stroked over the faint shadow of stubble on his jaw, “let’s go through the scene real quick.” He then sighed and looked around.  
  
Then he walked towards the wooden pier at the lake and the boys followed him silently.

When they had sat down on the slightly moist wood, Jaebum cleared his throat.  
  
“So,” he said, “what’s this scene about?”  
  
The scene was one of Jinyoung’s favorites.  
Junior and Kyum are out with mutual friends and they’re a bit tipsy and they spend the evening talking about music and getting to know each other and while the rest of their group is smoking at the beach, they decide to go swimming.  
  
Yugyeom was the first one to answer Jaebum’s question.

“I think it’s about hope,” he said. “Junior meets this stranger that is so full of life and his energy draws him in. Like that one line in the script about Kyum feeling like a second chance…”

 Jaebum hummed in agreement.   
“So hope it is?”  
  
“Yeah,” Yugyeom smiled. “Hope and energy and being alive…”  
  
Jaebum nodded, that spark in his eyes turning into a little flame. He readjusted his glasses and then he ruffled through Yugyeom’s hair.  
  
“Yes,” he said, “exactly, Yugyeom. That’s it, I want you to take this scene and I want you to make it explode with life. Can you do that?”  
  
“I’ll try,” Yugyeom smiled.  
  
When Jaebum looked at Jinyoung, that one felt ten times smaller.  
  
“So what are your thoughts about the scene?” Jaebum asked him and played with a pack of nicotine gums in his hand, with the same concentration he put into everything he did.  
  
“Uhm,” he mumbled, “What he said. Hope and stuff…”  
  
Jaebum turned his head to look at him and even neglected his gum for a moment. He looked at Jinyoung and that one felt naked and exposed.  
But he kept up the eye contact. He was an actor after all.  
  
Then there was a hint of a smile on Jaebum’s lips and he looked fascinated more than annoyed.  
“Interesting,” he said and Jinyoung didn’t understand what was so interesting, but Jaebum didn’t feel the need to tell him.  
He just eyed him up a little longer and then he sighed and stood up from the pier.   
  
He threw two nicotine gums into his mouth, while he looked down at them and said, “So now show me what you got, the set’s all ready.”

  
  
It was even colder than he had imagined.  
Jinyoung and Yugyeom were freezing as they stood at the beach in nothing but briefs and blankets around their shoulders.  
They had just filmed the scene where they decide to go swimming and excitedly strip out of their clothes and now they waited for the technicians to fix some minor detail about the lighting.  
Jinyoung looked over to the little group of young actors that he had already had a scene with. Junior’s group of friends, who sat on the beach in summery clothes.  
  
Jinyoung forced his muscles to relax and resisted the urge to wrap his arms around himself.   
If he wanted to be taken seriously, he needed to endure the cold.  
Yugyeom on the other hand kept jumping on the spot and rubbed his arms vigorously, trying to get warm. He could even hear his teeth chatter.  
  
Jinyoung tried hard not to look at his body with an expression that said ‘just figuring out where I’m gonna touch you in our sex scene’, but he definitely looked.   
Yugyeom had nice thighs; nice legs in general.   
Jinyoung hoped that there would be some clear instructions when they filmed that scene.  
But for now he tore his glance from Yugyeom’s body and looked at the set designers that made some last adjustments to get the perfect night shot.  
  
Jinyoung sighed.  
“You’re going to be all red if you keep rubbing.”  
  
“But it’s so fucking cold,” Yugyeom whined and then paused for a moment. “Uhm, excuse the language.”  
  
“It’s alright,” Jinyoung said. “I’m freezing my ass off, too.”  
  
“And we don’t want that.”  
 It was Im Jaebum’s voice that startled Jinyoung and made him blush out of nowhere. He swore his cheeks were turning red like tomatoes and he couldn’t exactly blame it on the heat.  
  
“Are you ready?” Jaebum asked. “Let’s try and get this scene done in the first try… It’s a summer night, you’re drunk and reckless!”  
  
“Okay,” they both said in unison.

  
Jinyoung cracked his finger knuckles and stretched his body one more time to get rid of the ice cold tension in his bones.  
Then the cameras gave their okay, the lights were dim, but ready. Jaebum didn’t sit in his director’s chair, but stood right behind one of the camera girls and watched the boys through the screen.  
  
“And Action!”   
Im Jaebum’s voice was like an energy drink with immediate effect and Jinyoung turned into Junior.  
  
The two boys ran towards the pier, Junior only at an arms length behind Kyum and they laughed and Junior nearly tripped, but regained his composure in the last second.  
  
And Jinyoung blinded out the camera dolly that rolled next to them all the way to the pier, as he closed his eyes and looked up at the sky while he ran and then Kyum turned his head and yelled, “The loser pays for breakfast!” and Jinyoung opened his eyes to speed up even more.  
  
They ran right towards the edge of the pier and stopped.   
“Cut!” Im Jaebum’s voice yelled.  
  
He came towards them in a jog.  
“Perfect, perfect,” he said, al little short of breath.”Let’s go right to the jump. Kyum first and then Junior! And Yugyeom, don’t be shy to touch him! Junior’s completely infatuated with you and you’re drunk!”  
  
Yugyeom looked at Jinyoung for a second and laughed awkwardly, “Okay.”  
  
Jinyoung smiled, but he was watching the way Jaebum’s eyes sparkled when he talked about his movie.   
  
“Do you need to warm up a little?” Jaebum asked him, “You’re freezing!”  
  
Jaebum reached out and let his hand stroke over Jinyoung’s arm, where his skin was fighting the cold.  
  
“N-no, I’m alright,” Jinyoung stuttered. Jaebum’s hand was warm and he started to miss that warmth the moment he took it off him.  
  
“Okay, then let’s get this over with!”  
  
They got into position right before the pier and the cameras were there with them. And a cameraman in a diving suit was getting ready right under the pier.  
If only Jinyoung could have a diving suit like that.  
  
But then he didn’t have any more time to think. The cameras were pointed at them and Yugyeom gave him one last nod when they heard the word “action” and then he was Junior again and Yugyeom was Kyum.  
And they ran the last few meters and reached the end of the pier and Kyum jumped, pulling his long limps close to his body and when he landed in the water with a dramatic splash, Junior was already in the air.  
  
The next thing Jinyoung felt was cold cold cold.  
And not the refreshing kind of cold, but the most painful kind he ever experienced. His every bone ached and his heart started racing when he was surrounded by the blackness of the water.   
He wasn’t sure how to ever move a muscle again, but his body moved on its own and when he came up Yugyeom was already looking at him and he laughed and pushed his wet hair back and he looked like he absolutely loved life and Jinyoung’s jaw wanted to chatter, but he forbad it to.  
  
He laughed and splayed water onto Yugyeom and then he felt his hands around his waist and Yugyeom swirled him through the water.   
He felt their skin press together and ignored the cameraman that was swimming around them and captured everything.   
Yugyeom’s smile was out of this world and Jinyoung truly felt the hope in his body. The excitement. It nearly let him forget about the cold, but not quite.  
  
Then the shot was done and he heard Jaebum’s voice and then he heard applause and when the two of them swam back to the shore, there was already staff waiting for them with towels and hot pads.  
He let a middle aged woman, whose name he couldn’t remember, wrap him up and he let them shower him in compliments and “I wouldn’t have managed to do that” and he heard Yugyeom’s teeth chattering, but the only thing he could see was Jaebum approaching him and looking at him with a whole bonfire in his eyes.  
  
“Fucking perfect, Jinyoung,” he exclaimed, „That‘s my boy!“

And before Jinyoung knew what was happening, Im Jaebum stood in front of him and looked him in the eyes. His hands held Jinyoung’s face and they were warm and strong and he drew out every syllable, when he repeated,  
“Fucking perfect!”  
Jinyoung’s heart rebelled  and Jaebum’s hands slowly let go of his face, just to slide down to his neck, before he let go completely.  
  
Then the moment was over, but Jinyoung still stood there like maybe he had grown roots.  
  
Jaebum praised Yugyeom, too, but Jinyoung noticed with satisfaction that he didn’t touch him while doing so.  
Jinyoung decided he’d jump into ice water any day if his reward was Im Jaebum’s hands on him.  
  
While the rest of the actors had to shoot two more scenes, Jinyoung changed his wet underwear for dry one in their caravan and blow-dried his hair. Then he slipped into his clothes, jeans, a fuzzy sweater, two pairs of socks and his coat and scarf.  
He was still cold when he stood outside with a cup of tea and waited for Yugyeom to dress himself, too.   
  
When Yugyeom joined him, he was wrapped in even more layers of clothes than Jinyoung.  
They stood there for a while and talked about this and that. Yugyeom was an easy going guy and Jinyoung felt a little bad for being so bitter earlier.   
  
“Let’s hope we don’t catch a cold,” Yugyeom said with an awkward smile, “I’m having an exam soon.”  
  
“You’re still in school?”   
  
“Yeah, my mom says I should have a plan B to this.”  
  
“She’s probably right,” Jinyoung hummed.

“It would’ve been fun, if it wasn’t that cold.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“The scene. It would have been fun,” Yugyeom smiled at him shyly, a rosy blush on his cheeks.  
  
“Oh,” Jinyoung smiled, “yeah. You’re really good at this!”  
  
“So are you…”

That was when they heard Jaebum’s voice from afar.  
 “Cut! That’s a wrap for today, thank you everyone for the hard work!”

A good ten minutes later he arrived at the caravan.   
Everyone at the set started packing up and they could hear the actors talking in the distance.  
  
“Yugyeom, can I borrow Jinyoung for a moment?” Jaebum said and Yugyeom paused for a moment, but then nodded and turned around, probably heading to join the rest of the crew.

  
When he stood there alone with Jaebum at the side of the Caravan, Jinyoung’s knees felt a little weak. He couldn’t get the words “that’s my boy” out of his head.  
  
“There’s something I was curious about, Jinyoung.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yugyeom is easy to work with, right?”  
  
“He is. It feels like I’ve known him for months.”  
  
Jaebum hummed and nodded.

“But you’re competitive.”  
It wasn’t a question. Jaebum just stated what was there and apparently open for him to see.  
  
“A little bit,” Jinyoung admitted and while Jaebum smiled, Jinyoung didn’t miss the way his glance flew down his body for a split second.  
  
“What are you afraid of?”  
  
“I’m not afraid,” Jinyoung said. “I just… I just want to be the best actor I can be.”  
  
“Then why do you care about how good Yugyeom is?”

Jinyoung huffed.  He resisted the urge to roll his eyes.  
  
“Okay, I also want to be better than him,” he said. “You’re the one who said I’m greedy.”  
  
“Oh, you definitely are,” Jaebum nodded, “But that’s the thing that will get you what you want.”  
  
Jinyoung wasn’t completely sure if they still talked about the movie, but the way Jaebum looked at him made his thoughts turn into thin air anyway.

“Make sure to get some rest,” Jaebum then said.  
  
It was so cold and so dark outside and Jinyoung at least deserved Im Jaebum around a little longer after freezing his ass off in the water.  
  
Jinyoung nodded. And just when Jaebum was about to turn around to go, Jinyoung’s tongue slipped.  
  
“Do you call Yugyeom your boy?”  
  
Jinyoung’s heart skipped a beat when Jaebum stopped walking and it took half an eternity for him to turn around again. He took a step towards him and mustered him curiously.   
Jinyoung felt his eyes on him like headlights and he caught himself staring at Im Jaebum’s lips for a long second, but when he looked up again, his eyes were already waiting for him.  
  
“No,” he said, looking at Jinyoung curiously, “Only greedy boys like you.”

Jinyoung’s heart hammered in his chest and he thought of something smart to say but his mouth wouldn’t have moved anyway.  
He was like frozen and could only try to endure the nearly painful eye contact and realize that the spark in Im Jaebum’s eyes was there again. The same one he had when he talked about Ashtray Heart.  
But then he took a deep breath and smiled tiredly.  
  
“Go to sleep, greedy boy,” he finally said and turned around.  
Jinyoung watched him walk towards the set again, as he leaned back against the caravan and finally remembered how to breathe.

The second day at the lake didn’t go as smoothly as the first one.  
They filmed the evening that led to the lake scene.  
During the day there wasn’t much work for Jinyoung.  
He was one of the three main characters. Today they mostly shot scenes in Junior’s sister’s perspective.  
  
Park Jimin was one of the more experienced actresses on set and Jaebum had told Jinyoung to watch her from the side, so he sat there with Jaebum behind the cameras and watched as she acted. She was younger than Jinyoung, but had been in the industry since she was little.  
Everything she did seemed more professional, the way she cut off a take when she knew she blew it, the way she just started her line again without even flinching when she felt that she didn’t get it right.  
The way she interacted so smoothly with Jaebum and with the cameras and with the other actors.  
  
Jinyoung tried his best to take mental notes and even harder to let her inspire him, but with every hour that passed, his confidence shrunk and all he got together was an endless list of things he still needed to learn and an even longer list of things he had done wrong while working.  
Jimin played Junior’s sister, who had all the friends and she was also the only one who ever reached out to Junior and unlike their mother she realizes halfway through the movie that Junior seriously needed help.  
  
When it was getting dark outside, it was Jinyoung’s time to start working.  
He wore a ripped blue jeans and a classic black and yellow Nirvana shirt, matching the posters in Junior’s room.  
Junior joined the group of teenagers at the lake and Kyum was already sitting in their little round.  
Every single minute he acted, he felt Im Jaebum’s glance on him and during every break Jaebum came to the bonfire and told him to do it again.  
  
“I want you to be uncomfortable,” he said. “You’re there because your sister wants you to be, but you don’t know anyone. You don’t trust people and you’d rather be at home.”  
  
That’s when Kyum starts a conversation with Junior.

  
Acting on Yugyeom’s side made things easier for some reason. It felt natural and Jinyoung loosened up a little bit and when they finally wrapped the bonfire scene up after too many failed tries, Yugyeom quickly pulled him towards himself into an awkward but warm half-hug.  
Jinyoung laughed and then went over to hug Jimin, too.  
  
“You were really good, little brother,” she smiled, grinned while patting his shoulder. “Let’s keep working hard.”  
  
There was nothing else to film when it got dark outside and they had wrapped up all the scenes in those surroundings, so the technicians took down all the props and installations and packed them into the caravans. A good bunch of the actors helped and Jinyoung wanted to lend them a hand, too, but Jaebum came towards him in a nearly jog. He had Jinyoung’s coat in his hand that Jinyoung gratefully took and put on over the summery clothes.  
  
“Do you have a few minutes?”   
  
“Sure.” Jinyoung’s heart was already doing summersaults at the attention of the director.  
  
“Then let’s go for a walk, I wanted to check out the forest.”  
  
They walked towards the trees in silence and there was a broad path leading into it, so the moonlight that was there that day gave them a bit of lighting.  
If it hadn’t been for Jaebum’s presence, the forest would have been kind of creepy. The perfect surrounding to film an axe murderer-scene in a horror film.   
Or even worse: ghosts.  
But Jinyoung mostly felt a little nervous around Im Jaebum and the moonlight also had something romantic, not that Jinyoung noticed.  
  
“I want to play a game with you,” Jaebum announced and when Jinyoung looked over to him, he had his eyebrows drawn together in concentration. He was looking at the air in front of them, as if there was something interesting to see.  
“What would Junior do?  
  
“What?” Jinyoung looked at him in confusion.  
  
“That’s the game: What would Junior do.” Jaebum gave him a quick glance to prove that he was actually talking to Jinyoung, “I give you a scenario and you tell me how Junior would react.”  
  
“Okay, sure.”  
  
“Everyone is smoking and Junior is offered a blunt,” Jaebum said.  
  
Jinyoung thought for a moment, looking at the path of pebbles in front of him while he walked.  
  
“He wouldn’t wanna smoke,” he said, “I guess he already doesn’t trust his head…”

Jaebum nodded but didn’t answer.   
  
“Junior is offered a stipendium at a dance academy.”   
  
It took him a few moments again.  
“I guess he’d feel pressured more than proud or excited. He probably wouldn’t even be sure if he should take the chance.”  
  
“Agreed,” Jaebum nodded, then hummed and slowed down a little bit.   
  
“Kyum wants to go to a concert with Junior…?”   
  
“Mhh,” Jinyoung wondered, “tricky one. He wants to spend every single second with him, but concerts mean people and stress…He might go though, because he likes Kyum.”  
  
Now Jaebum stopped walking and Jinyoung watched him running his fingers through his hair.  
  
“Interesting,” he then said and started walking again and Jinyoung didn’t know why, but his arms felt tingly and his stomach did too.  
  
“My turn,” he decided, “Im Jaebum has the chance to direct a movie…how does he feel?”  
  
Jaebum looked at him in sheer surprise for a moment, then he shook his head in amusement and laughed a laugh that brought all the huge, dark trees around them to fall.   
Or so it seemed.   
Jinyoung swore he could hear them crashing to the ground.  
  
“Are you being sneaky, Park Jinyoung?” he chuckled and then he hummed. “Okay. First he thinks it’s a joke, because why would anyone let him direct a movie, right? And it’s scary. But he’d think of the story he wants to tell and of the possibility to bring it to life. And he’d give it a fucking try because that’s what you do when you really want something, the fear be damned, y’know.”

Jinyoung’s heart was trying to jump out of his chest and into Jaebum’s, but he somehow convinced it to stay inside his body a little longer.   
He wasn’t sure what was more exciting.   
Having Im Jaebum telling him personal information and turn into a human being right in front of him or the fact that he cussed not only one, but two times in a sentence.  
Jinyoung was a simple man and those two things combined made his naive, little heart flutter like a swarm of butterflies.  
  
“Can I go again?” Jinyoung asked and sounded like a kid in elementary school asking for a sticker on his homework.  
  
“Go ahead!”  
  
“Im Jaebum is walking through the woods with an incredibly cute younger man,” Jinyoung grinned, “Why?”

Jaebum glanced over to him and again he didn’t laugh. There was a spark of moonlight in his eyes and Jinyoung shied away from it and looked down onto his feet instead.  
They walked in silence for a while.  
  
“I’m not sure,” Jaebum said, ”Seems like he’s not very professional. We should head back, don’t you think?”

“Probably.”  
  
They walked all the way back in silence and Jinyoung couldn’t get the feeling out of his guts that he had ruined everything by being too greedy and that the giant black trees around them were silently judging him. Now would’ve been a good time for them to fall and crush him with their weight.  


But when they arrived at Jinyoung’s caravan, Jaebum didn’t make any attempts to say good night.  
They stood outside of it and judging by the sound of a kettle, Yugyeom was probably making tea inside of it.  
  
It was completely dark outside. The only source of light and noise came from the bonfire at the lake, where a few people still sat together and talked and laughed. But the rest of their little camp was dark and quiet.  
Jinyoung leaned back against the Caravan and waited for Jaebum to say something.

After what felt like an eternity, he did.  
  
“You shouldn’t get involved with me,” Jaebum said and there was both heat in Jinyoung’s head and disappointment pooling in the pit of his stomach.   
And he felt exposed.  
Jaebum’s eyes were stern, like all the times when he gave him advice on set. Only this time Jinyoung didn’t feel like being obedient.  
  
“Why not?” he whispered.  
  
“Like I said,” Jaebum sighed, “it wouldn’t be very professional. You should concentrate on Junior and on Kyum and Yugyeom…”  
  
“And you should concentrate on directing your movie…”  
  
Jinyoung didn’t give his legs permission when they took a step towards Jaebum.  
His pulse was loud in his whole body, as if trying to warn him not to do what he wanted to do most.  
 Like it reminded him to think.   
But thinking suddenly became so damn difficult to do when he looked into Jaebum’s black eyes and let his eyes glance down to his lips and wondered how they’d taste.  
  
“I should,” Jaebum hummed, agreeing.  
  
And Jinyoung’s pulse got even louder and his body even weaker and his stomach even hotter, when he closed the distance between them and leaned up just a tiny little bit to press his lips onto Jaebum’s.  
He was perplexed for a second and Jinyoung just felt his soft lips still against his own, but then Jaebum seemed to wake up from his trance and his hands found their way around Jinyoung’s face, where he held him tightly as he kissed him back.  
Walked him back, too.  
Jinyoung’s back hit the wall of the caravan with a dull thump, Jaebum’s body pressed hotly against his, his lips played with Jinyoung’s and their tongues brushed ever so slightly, until they swirled around in their mouths.  
The smell of Jaebum’s cologne  was sharp and breathtaking, all around them.  
Jinyoung’s breathing was heavy and he needed concentration so he wouldn’t moan right into Jaebum’s mouth.  
He heard a little groan leaving Jaebum’s lips when they parted for a second and Jaebum looked at him and his eyes set Jinyoung on fire, but he didn’t mind.  
  
“So damn greedy,” Jaebum brought out between kisses that were the definition of greedy and he placed kisses down his jaw and onto his neck and Jinyoung’s head was fallen back against the wall weakly with another dull thump and he felt Jaebum’s hot breath on his skin, sucking on his neck and his hands wandering down his sides.

When a voice brought him back to reality.  
  
“Jinyoung?” Yugyeom called out, “Is that you out there?”  
  
There were footsteps inside of the caravan and Jaebum let go of Jinyoung in a split second, taking a step back from him, but not taking his eyes off him. And the expression in them nearly made Jinyoung’s knees give in. He looked like he wanted so much more, like he hadn’t even started yet and like he wasn’t happy about stopping now.  
  
“Yeah, it’s me,” Jinyoung called back, his brain feeling fuzzy and his head still leaning against the wall.   
He looked at Jaebum and bit his lips nervously.   
“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath.  
  
Then Jaebum’s expression lightened up, as if Jinyoung had cracked it with his curse.  
  
“Yeah,” Jaebum agreed and he took a step forward again and he smiled a thin smile, still breathless, his eyes still clouded by arousal, when he reached out to stroke over Jinyoung’s cheek and then lifted his chin carefully with his fingers and breathed another kiss onto his lips.  
So soft and sweet that Jinyoung moaned out for more, but he knew he couldn’t always get what he wanted. So he enjoyed Jaebum’s careful kiss and the way it sent warmth through his whole body and just when he thought Jaebum might give in and let the kiss get steamier again, he pulled away.  
  
“See you tomorrow,” he said and lingered for a moment, looking torn, before he turned around to walk to his own caravan.  
 Jinyoung took a few moments to catch his breath and his body was so heated that he would most definitely burn through the wall of the caravan any moment if he kept leaning against it.  
  
He opened the door just when Yugyeom called out for him again.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and please let me know if you liked this chapter :o) ♥


	3. TAKE THREE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **trigger warning** : there's a bit of suicide mention in this chap

**TAKE THREE  
**

_♡  Just an amateur that got carried away by his role so easily ♡  
  
_

The ride back to their rented house didn’t feel as long as the ride to the lake. Probably because Jinyoung was asleep during half of it.  
They had left early in the morning and it was only 7am when he woke up.  
Jinyoung sat on his bed and tried to read while one of the lighting technicians drove their caravan.  
Yugyeom watched some drama series on his phone during the whole ride.  
They only talked for a bit when they shared a bunch of snacks and drank coffee together.  
  
When they arrived at their house, Jinyoung felt like he had been gone longer than two days.  
Before anyone could steal his chance, he got into the shower on the first floor, one of the few rooms they’d never use for a scene.

He wondered if Jaebum used this shower, too?  
And he wondered if Jaebum maybe thought of him right now?  
Because he couldn’t stop thinking of Jaebum Jaebum Jaebum while he showered and he couldn’t help but think of him when he started touching himself for a bit and he also couldn’t help wishing he could do the sex scene with Im Jaebum instead.  
  
Could the others see those kisses plastered all over his face like advertisements on subway walls?  
Jinyoung hoped they couldn’t see how the air around him filled with electricity whenever Jaebum was near, even though it was so damn visible.

He only filmed a short scene that day, so he had time off most of the day.  
He wouldn’t wanna admit how much he’d rather work just to spend some time with the director, but Yugyeom was there with him and they played cards and rehearsed their lines together and at some point during the afternoon, Mark called.  
  
He hadn’t planned to tell him about Im Jaebum, but like always Mark managed to get it out of him.  
And he’d also explode into thousand tiny bits if he didn’t tell anyone about him soon.  
  
“Why did I know this would happen?” Mark sighed. “It’s like I can’t leave you alone with a hot guy for a day without you making out with him.”

Jinyoung ignored the insult and just kept talking about Jaebum like he had for the past five minutes.  
Yugyeom was currently in the shower, so he had his room to himself and he looked outside of the window of the first floor and down onto the roof of Jaebum’s caravan.  
He was working right now, but it was still nice to know that he lived down there.  
  
“He’s not just hot,” he sighed. “He’s really smart and attentive and skilled…as a director I mean…”  
  
“Sure.” Jinyoung could basically see Mark rolling his eyes. “And he’s also kinda your boss…”  
  
“He’s not my boss… he’s my colleague,” Jinyoung said, but he thought too long about it to make it sound convincing.  
  
“I mean, whatever, Jinyoung,” Mark said. “You can do what you want, just don’t get too distracted. May I remind you that this is your first movie? And you have a tendency to fall for bad boys, y’know...”  
  
“It’s not like that… he’s not like that.”  


That night Jinyoung sat in Jaebum’s caravan.  
Not because he missed him that day or because he kinda wanted his attention. Definitely not because of that.  
He just wanted to prepare for the scene of the next day. He just needed a bit of advice.  
Or that’s what he would have answered if anybody asked, but nobody did.  
  
Jaebum just let him in without asking questions and now he was making tea, while Jinyoung looked through a photography magazine that lay on the little, round table.  
  
“Ever tried it?” Jaebum asked without looking up from the hot water he poured into two mugs.  
  
“Not really. I wouldn’t be good at it.”  
  
“You’ll never know if you don’t try.”.  
  
“What’s the fascination anyway?” Jinyoung asked. ”Looking at photos just makes me nostalgic.”  
  
Jaebum came back to the table and put one mug in front of Jinyoung and sat down on the bed with the other one in his hand.  
  
“I just like looking for interesting things and capturing them,” Jaebum said, “It’s fascinating. Plus what’s wrong with nostalgia?”  
  
Jinyoung sighed.  
“I don’t know, I don’t like it. It reminds me that stuff is temporary.”  
  
Jaebum hummed and looked at Jinyoung as if he was trying to decide on something.  
Then he leant back a little as if he sat in his director’s chair and took a deep breath.

“What would Junior feel,” he smiled, “go!”

Jinyoung sat up in his seat as if it helped him to think better and it was a lot easier to find answers to this than he thought.  
  
“He wouldn’t like nostalgia either, because it would trigger all the bad thoughts in him. He’d start thinking about death and ending and loss and he’d feel sad… like nothing makes sense.”  
  
Jaebum nodded.  
“So what would he do?”

“He’d avoid nostalgia the best he can, but when it hits him, it hits him bad.”  
  
Jaebum still looked at him when he took his mug and absentmindedly blew on his tea to cool it down.  
  
“See, you start to get him,” he mumbled into his mug.  
  
Jinyoung watched Jaebum for a while. The way he blew on his tea and looked like he was lost in thoughts, and he wanted to ask him so many things about his life and about the way he saw the world.  
Wanted to know what music he liked and if he identified a lot with Junior. He helped creating him after all.  
But before he could open his mouth, Jaebum was looking at him again, with his whole attention, and Jinyoung caught himself biting his lips.  
  
“Do you wanna talk about the scene tomorrow?”  
  
Jinyoung awkwardly shifted in his seat.  
“It’s just that I’ve never done a kiss scene on a proper set,” he admitted.  
  
 “Yugyeom has a bit of experience,” Jaebum said and Jinyoung resisted the urge to screw up his face.  
  
“I know,” he said, “and I know how to do it, but I wanna do it well.”  
  
“Mhh, let’s see.” Jaebum set down his mug and hummed, “Junior meets this energetic guy who is pure hope for him. So what happens when he’s alone in his room with him?”  
  
“He gets excited I guess. Because he’s not used to the feeling?”  
  
“Yeah. So what you’re gonna do is you’re gonna kiss him like you’re holding onto him for dear life. You don’t just want him…you want him to save you.”  
  
Jinyoung swallowed.  
His heart raced in his chest and his hands felt like jelly. He couldn’t even think about Junior or Kyum or Yugyeom or the movie.  
He could only look at Im Jaebum and that spark that was turning into a little fire again, and he wondered how he got here into this caravan with him and why his whole body was screaming for his presence and attention like maybe he’d melt into thin air without it.

“Can I…try?” Jinyoung heard himself ask.  
  
Jaebum looked at him for a moment and Jinyoung feared that he’d misinterpreted the tension. That maybe he’s make things awkward.

“Go ahead,” Jaebum nodded.  
  
So Jinyoung walked over to the bed, leaving his tea behind, and he hesitated a second when he stood in front of Jaebum and looked down on him.  
He looked up to Jinyoung curiously and Jinyoung felt the need taking over his body.  
When he straddled Jaebum’s lap and kneeled over him on the bed, Jaebum’s hand found its way to his waist.  
He nodded at him again. Encouraged him.  
  
So Jinyoung sat down and he wrapped his arms around his neck and could see his attentive eyes watching him, until their faces were so close that he couldn’t see him clearly anymore.  
When their lips touched it was anything but the scene Jaebum had described.  
It was careful and soft and Jinyoung figured he would’ve been able to endure explosive passion and hot breathing and angry wanting more easily.  
This was pure torture. He just tortured himself.  
Jaebum gave Jinyoung the whole stage for himself. He wanted to see him act, wanted him to turn into Junior, but it wasn’t happening.  
  
Jinyoung’s heart rebelled and he felt a sweet tingling in his stomach, in his arms, between his legs.  
He tugged on Jaebum’s lips with his own, nibbled on them and he tasted like citrus tea and it was all too hot and too slow, but at the same time he wasn’t sure if he had it in him to pretend he was acting.  
  
He needed Jaebum to know that this was Jinyoung who was kissing him. Who was getting a little shy and nervous and aroused and who was ten times more self conscious than back at the lake where everything felt less real for some reason.  
It was getting dark outside, the night sinking down on them carefully, slowly joining them as if not to destroy their scene.  
  
When Jaebum broke their kiss, Jinyoung licked his lips and already started missing his taste, his touch, the feeling of his warm skin.  
But Jaebum smiled at him and he pulled him a little bit closer by his waist and brought his lips to Jinyoung’s neck and he melted in his hands like hot wax when Jaebum started kissing him and sucking on the nape of his neck, up his throat, the touch so light, it was barely there.  
  
“Do you want me to show you how I’d do it?” He breathed the words out and Jinyoung could hear the smile in his voice. The electricity wasn’t in the air anymore, it was in Jinyoung, in his every bone and Jaebum was to blame. He knew all about that electricity, there was no doubt.  
He knew exactly what he did to Jinyoung.  
  
A breathy little moan slipped his tongue and he only managed to nod. So Jaebum wrapped his arms around his waist and then he smoothly turned them both around and Jinyoung fell onto the bed with a dull thump, Jaebum right over him.  
The springs of the bed whined under them.  
He felt his pulse in his veins and he was painfully hard in his jeans and then Jaebum crawled over him and he could see that same spark in his eyes again when he leaned down and kissed Jinyoung so passionately that it would’ve swept him off his feet if he wasn’t lying on the bed already.

If the first try had been sweet and slow, this one was rude and hot and hungry and a little bit desperate. Jaebum had Jinyoung’s arms pinned to the mattress and their tongues swirled around in their mouths and Jaebum sucked Jinyoung’s bottom lip into his mouth and Jinyoung didn’t care about the breathy moans he let escape. It was like Jaebum just tried to pull them out of him.

“I’ve never felt like this,” Jaebum breathed out. He recited Junior’s lines, but it nearly took Jinyoung’s breath away. Definitely an actor after all.  
With a bit of struggle he managed to get his hand out of Jaebum’s grip, just to bring it into his hair instead. It was just as fluffy as it looked and he let his fingers slide over the stubble of his sidecut.  
  
“Now you,” Jaebum brought out between wet kisses.  
  
Jinyoung struggled even more to get out words. He freed his second hand and brought it to Jaebum’s neck.  
“Me-,” he groaned Kyum’s line. ”Me neither.”  
  
Then Jaebum slowed down abruptly and went back to caressing Jinyoung’s neck.  
“Perfect,” he purred, “that’s my boy.”

Jinyoung wanted to fall apart under him, but Jaebum decided to let him stay whole for now.  
To not let him turn to stardust yet. Not yet.

  
“I’ll be watching you closely tomorrow.” Jaebum sucked on his skin a little harder, but not hard enough to leave a mark.  
“So be good and make Kyum yours.”

It wasn’t exactly like he was nervous to kiss Yugyeom.  
Jinyoung’s muscles were tensed; he kept biting his lips, stopping himself again when he thought about them being visible in a close-up in the movie.  
Of course it was weird to kiss someone you’ve known for barely three weeks and it was even weirder that it was his roommate and colleague and that he was younger, but more experienced. And it didn’t help that a handful of people were going to watch.  
So maybe Jinyoung was nervous after all, but he did everything he could as an actor to not let it show.  
The kiss would be professional and it would be awkward and it would all be over in a few hours.  
  
Like in most scenes, Junior had to be in his room, because that was where he spent most of his life.  
So that’s where Jinyoung sat and watched the set designers make some small adjustments, like sprinkling a few clothes on the floor and letting the edge of a poster hang down like it was just too heavy to be held up any longer.  
The kiss scene would take place relatively far back in the movie, so the depression needed to be an omnipresent companion in Junior’s scenes, in his surroundings and in the way people treated him.  
  
 It needed to hang over the scene like a bad omen, a fog that made everything melt to a grey mass, that let the colors fade and the details disappear like maybe it was magic.  
It even needed to be apparent in the way he kissed Kyum for the first time and it needed to be visible in his face, his eyes that tried so hard to find a single thing that would make him feel anything at all.  
  
Jinyoung read through his script a few more times and he closed his eyes, tried to recall memories of Tara. Had that fog been apparent in her eyes when they were still friends?  
Or did it creep in after Jinyoung gave place in her life.  
Had she spent her last weeks with a beating heart in her room- locked away from the world? And had she desperately kissed people in order to feel anything at all?  
  
Those questions definitely got him into the right mood, but Jinyoung also worried that he stirred up things he couldn’t get rid of when the scene was done. He usually didn’t let himself think about her at all.  
 It was worth it though; he wanted to pour his soul into Ashtray Heart.  
If not for himself or Tara or the audience, then definitely for Im Jaebum.  
  
When Yugyeom walked into the room, he was smiling cheekily, as if to say ‘today’s the day’ and Jinyoung couldn’t help but smile back.  
He was truly lucky to work with someone like Yugyeom. Too often had he heard stories about acting colleagues who hated each other and had to do go out of their way to force some chemistry when the cameras were on.  
The stylists had done a good job on Yugyeom too.  
He looked even more like a 90’s teenage crush than usually, his fading red hair combed to one side, revealing a sidecut of darker hair and a black leather jacket hugging his back, some buttons and sewed on patches on it. A smiley and a crossed out swastika and an anarchy sign, next to each other, where the stylists had placed them.  
  
The scene was a little bit cliché in Jinyoung’s opinion, but it was the kind of cliché he was absolutely weak for.  
Not that anyone needed to know.  
  
Junior is in the middle of breaking down again, over something minor, a little argument with his sister and his walls come breaking down.  
That’s when Kyum knocks at his door.

Jaebum came up the stairs and the camera girl and the sound technician were right behind him.

“Guys,” Jaebum called out and clapped in his hands twice, as if everybody’s attention wasn’t already on him, “Today’s the day, today we’re romancing it up in here.”  
  
Jinyoung wondered how anyone could be this enthusiastic this early in the day. He just felt a weight on his shoulders and a lump in his throat.  
But Jaebum had faith in the two of them; that was crystal clear and he wasn’t afraid for the whole crew to see it.

“Did you go through your lines?” he asked Yugyeom and that one nodded.  
  
“It’s not like there are many.”  
  
Jinyoung didn’t react to their little talk; he wanted to stay with that heavy feeling in his gut and wondered if it was anything like this to be someone like Junior. If this was how he felt every day in the week and how people lived like that.  
  
He could feel Jaebum’s attention on him, but he didn’t dare to look at him for too long or listen to his voice too closely. Jaebum would just melt the storm inside his chest with his calm aura and that wasn’t what Jinyoung needed for his acting. He couldn’t use a dumb, dreamy expression on his face today; it needed to be hopeless and desperate.  
And Jaebum seemed to understand that quickly, as he skipped the pre-scene-discussion and made everyone get into position right away.  
  
Jinyoung knew it was getting serious now, but he was barely there anymore, as Junior took over most of his brain and body. Like there were now two hearts beating in his chest. Two souls fighting for supremacy.

When the cameras gave their okay and Jaebum gave his ‘Action’, Junior came to life easier than any time before.  
He walked up and down the room, his arm hitting a drawer mindlessly and he mumbled words to himself.  
“I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this…”  
The words were nearly too unclear for anyone to understand but there was desperation in them, so loud it streamed out of Junior’s every pore and Jinyoung could feel it, too.  
  
He let his breathing get quicker and heavier and his body played along, made an anxious feeling spread in his chest and the lump in his throat felt like a hand pressing down on his arteries, needles in his skin.  
Junior came to a halt right before the wall and then he balled a fist and hit against it, not harsh, but weak and desperate.  
Jinyoung had nearly forgotten about the camera girl who was coming a bit closer and following his movements smoothly or about the guy that held the huge micro over them or Im Jaebum who had to be somewhere at the door.  
When he heard a “cut!”, he barely looked up.  
  
“Can we do this again, exactly what you did, but more of it,” Jaebum’s voice said and Jinyoung quickly nodded to him.

He did the whole thing again and it was like the second round just added to the feeling of desperation and frustration.  
He hit the wall a little harder this time and when he heard “cut”, he had to do it again.  
  
After the third round he felt like Junior was playing him and not the other way around and there was fear and hopelessness in his gut and this time it was a wrap.  
He heard Jaebum’s enthusiastic mumbling, something about “fucking perfect” and “this is it, now bring Kyum in!”  
  
Jinyoung stayed where he was and how he was, he held onto that feeling and tried his best to blind out the camera girl and the audio technician who positioned themselves in one corner of the room and Jaebum right beside them, so they could film Yugyeom coming in.  
  
And he did. And he was Kyum.  
And in that moment Jinyoung truly understood the script and the way Junior felt.  
It was like the door opened and a spark of hope came in, a chance of relief, a light…  
  
“Your mom let me in,” Kyum said, “she said I could go up.”  
  
“Why are you here?” Junior asked, his voice vibrating with pain. Vibrating in all of Junior and all of Jinyoung.  
  
“Because I missed you,” Kyum said and took a step towards him.

And then everything happened so fast.

Kyum walked over to Junior like the safe haven he was and Junior held onto him like he was drowning and then he tried drowning in him, his lips crashing onto Kyum’s and his fingernails digging into his shoulders.  
Kyum’s arms were around him in a heartbeat, one on his neck and one on his waist and his lips were hot on his and then their tongues started playing around and just when Kyum wanted to lift him off his feet, they heard the familiar “Cut!” again.

“Okay, do it again like this and Yugyeom, go for his neck maybe?”

That was the moment Jinyoung snapped back and lost a little bit of Junior.  
In a flash he remembered Jaebum’s lips on his neck and his hot breath on his skin and he couldn’t ignore the heat that streamed right into his head when he looked over to Jaebum.  
He looked at him like he did before, the look of ‘I haven’t even started yet’ was written all over his face, but there was something else in it.  
Disapproval?  
Jinyoung forced himself not to think about it right now.  
Tried to get back into the desperation and looked up to Yugyeom, who put one hand onto his neck again and the other on his waist.  
He smiled sheepishly and like always it automatically took the angst out of Jinyoung’s body. But he needed the angst right now.  
  
He smiled back a thin smile and then he closed his eyes for a second and dug out images of Tara, about how she would never have the chance to kiss anybody ever again. How she couldn’t un-kill herself, uncut her wrists. How she couldn’t un-decide what had never been a decision at all.  
He wondered if Tara would be offended, because there were also thoughts of Jaebum creeping into his head and settling down there.  
Jinyoung wanted the people gone and he wanted Im Jaebum’s hands on him and his voice in his ears and his eyes on him and he wanted it to have nothing to do with work. Junior or Jinyoung or who the fuck ever wanted to drown in Im Jaebum, but he was so far away, so he drowned in Kyum instead.  
  
They went right back into it when they heard their keyword, but Junior was too much Jinyoung and Kyum was just a little bit too much of Jaebum and there was a little bit too much Tara in the air around them.  
So while Yugyeom passionately acted out the kiss and wrapped his arms around him, Jinyoung felt the pain pooling in his chest and he wasn’t sure whose pain it really was, but it was real and raw and it threatened to burn his insides and he felt like he couldn’t breathe and he only understood that he was crying when he tasted salt on Yugyeom’s lips and on his own and Yugyeom kissed him harder and Jinyoung held onto him tighter and he already knew it would be a wrap.  
And it was.  
There were still tears coming when he heard Jaebum announce it.  
Cut.  
  
“Are you okay, Jinyoung?” Yugyeom asked, but all he could do was take a few deep breaths and then he found himself in the warmth of his arms and he let himself be held by him for a while, his body shielding him from the whole world, and listened to the crew leaving the room again.  
  
This time the crying hadn’t been in the script and nobody would believe him if he said he had control over it.  
Just an amateur that got carried away by his role so easily.  
  
This time Jaebum didn’t sit with him after the scene. He had to drive into the city that day to film an outdoor scene with Jimin and the actress who played Junior’s mother.  
But before he left, he looked into Jinyoung’s and Yugyeom’s room quickly.  
  
“Let’s talk when I’m back,” he said to Jinyoung, ignoring Yugyeom who sat right beside him on the bed. “We can go for a walk or something.”  
  
Jinyoung just nodded and he felt so much younger again and he could barely keep up the eye contact, because he feared Jaebum could see the humiliation in his eyes.  
But he just smiled and told them to get some rest and to eat something.  
As soon as he left, Yugyeom’s curious eyes were on Jinyoung.  
  
“I think he’s upset because I got to kiss you before he did,” Yugyeom chuckled and Jinyoung looked up with sheer shock in his eyes. Then he slapped Yugyeom’s shoulder and decided not to correct him on that.  
Jinyoung was too exhausted to bicker with Yugyeom, so he just leaned back to the wall and closed his eyes.  
  
“Yeah, but it wasn’t a real kiss,” he said more to himself than to anyone else. Yugyeom’s silence made him regret having spoken at all.  
Why didn’t he respond?  
  
“Your tears were real though,” he said after a while and Jinyoung just clicked his tongue in dismissal.  
  
“Have I told you that you fit your role perfectly?” Yugyeom continued, “You’re the best casted actor in the whole movie. It’s nearly scary how similar you and Junior are.”  
  
Jinyoung didn’t know why but he felt shivers running down his spine and he wanted to say something, but there were no words in his body.  
  
“Sometimes it feels like you’re just as sad as he is.”  
  
“I’m not sad,” Jinyoung hissed and sat up to get to the edge of the bed.  
When Yugyeom didn’t say anything, he sighed and added, “Sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay.”  
  
“I think I’m going for a walk,” Jinyoung decided out loud and the next moment he fled through the door with nothing but a light jacket under his arm.

  
The cold autumn air was supposed to clear his head; the wind should have blown his thoughts into place, but after walking for ten minutes all he got was a storm in his chest and goose bumps on his skin.  
His muscles felt tense when he wrapped his arms around himself to get warm.  
The wind made the leaves sing mantras that could have been comforting if Jinyoung was in the mood to be comforted.  
He mostly was in the mood to screw up his face and let his thoughts bully him for a while.  
  
Such an amateur.  
Yugyeom had been so professional. Jimin would never have gotten carried away like this.  
Who even decided to give him this role in the first place?  
Didn’t they know he ruined everything he touched? Didn’t they know things fell to pieces if he just let his fingertips brush over them? Did Im Jaebum not care about this movie at all?  
But that wasn’t it.  
 If there was anything Jinyoung knew, it was that Im Jaebum fucking treasured this project, loved it and cared for it like he’d care for a child.  
He wanted the best for Ashtray Heart. Why did he give Junior’s role to an absolute amateur then?  
  
Jinyoung walked and walked in a fast pace and his head was so full of thoughts that blamed him and shamed him, that he didn’t think about where he was going.  
Their house was in a small suburb and he just took turns through little streets with semi-expensive looking houses and a turn here and a turn there.  
Until he found himself at the end of a street and stopped right in front of an old fence.  
  
There was nothing behind it really, just idle land and one or two sad looking trees. Jinyoung felt so sorry for them and was disgusted by their sadness just as much. Why were they like this? All dark and lonely?  
Why couldn’t they at least act?  
There were barely leaves left on them and their bony branches reached to the sky like the hands of skeletons.  
He turned around and leant against the fence, so he didn’t have to see them anymore.  
  
Then he realized that he had no idea how many turns he had taken and where, and that he could start walking, sure, but after that one street he wouldn’t know where to go next.  
Well done, Jinyoung.  
Not even Junior would’ve been so mindless. Or would he?  
What would Junior do?  
Probably just sit down and wait for whatever came his way. So that’s what Jinyoung did.  
He squatted down, with his back to the fence and he wasn’t sure if it was an hour later or maybe three hours, when he started freezing.  
It wasn’t nightly-lake-swimming-cold, but it was definitely cold.  
The cold froze all his thoughts, too. He just stared at the small street he had come through and at some point it was getting dark outside and he watched as the lanterns turned on.  
  
As if they had arranged it, his phone started ringing at the same time.


	4. TAKE FOUR

**TAKE FOUR**

_♡ acting for the movie was so much easier than pretending not to be naively, stupidly, deeply falling for Im Jaebum ♡_

  
Im Jaebum’s voice was all matter of fact.  
  
He asked where Jinyoung went and Jinyoung told him he didn’t know. He described the surroundings and felt pathetic when mentioning the sad trees, but Jaebum didn’t even question anything. It was like he wasn’t surprised in the slightest that Jinyoung got lost.  
When they hung up it was only about five or maybe ten minutes later that a car came down the street and drove right up to the fence.  
Jaebum opened the door and Jinyoung looked up at him from where he still squatted, trying to look like he wasn’t turning into ice right now.  
  
Jaebum sighed and closed the door again. Then he took off his coat and laid it over Jinyoung’s shoulders as if that was just something they did sometimes.  
He took of his scarf, too, and threw it into Jinyoung’s face lightly, telling him to put it on.  
  
“Thank you.”

Jaebum just nodded. Then he squatted down next to him, just wearing a dark blue sweater, and he pulled out a pack of gum.  
  
“Nicotine gums,” he explained. “I’m trying to stop smoking.”  
  
“How’s it going so far?”  
  
“It’s been two difficult days,” Jaebum huffed and Jinyoung felt a little lighter.  
  
“I’m sorry you had to drive here,” he said, biting his lips. They were all chapped from the cold.  
  
“It’s alright. We wanted to talk anyway, remember?”

“What did you wanna talk about?” Jinyoung dared to ask.  
It was both too dark and too quiet out there and he still hadn’t forgotten about those sad trees behind him.  
  
Jaebum stroked back his hair and chewed his gum in silence for a while, thinking.  
  
“How was the scene today for you?” he finally asked.  
  
“How did it look?” Jinyoung asked back and his words sounded and tasted so bitter.  
  
“It looked fucking incredible to me,” Jaebum said. “You should’ve seen yourself.”  
  
If it wasn’t for that clear tone in his voice and the strength in his words, Jinyoung would’ve thought he was making fun of him.  
  
“I’m an amateur,” he argued.  
  
“Maybe,” Jaebum nodded, “but you’re so raw and passionate and you force people to suffer with you.”  
  
Jinyoung let the thoughts settle in his mind for a moment, let them take up space, let them calm his thoughts and warm his body.  
Then he smiled. He was too tired to argue.  
  
“Did I make you suffer, too?”  
  
“Let’s get you in the car,” Jaebum ignored his question, “you’re gonna catch a cold.”  
  
He stood up and walked back to the car, Jinyoung following him quickly.  
  
Then he walked faster and before Jaebum even arrived at the car, Jinyoung had grabbed his arm.  
  
“Jaebum,” he said, “did I make you suffer, too?”  
He didn’t know where his confidence came from; maybe it wasn’t confidence at all. Maybe he was acting, he wasn’t too sure and it didn’t matter.  
Jaebum leaned back against the car and didn’t free his arm out of Jinyoung’s grip.  
  
He just looked at him and Jinyoung felt his naive heart fluttering again.  
  
“Don’t ask questions you know the answer to,” Jaebum sighed.  
  
“Did that kiss bother you?”  
  
Again, the words spilled out of Jinyoung’s mouth before he could think about them and he watched some of Jaebum’s walls crashing down. He wondered if the sad trees were falling like the trees in the forest had fallen because of him. Jinyoung didn’t dare to check.  
 There was the same kind of rawness and rudeness in Jaebum’s face that sometimes lingered in the air when they had to redo the same scene for the 20th time.  
  
“It wouldn’t be very professional to be bothered by a staged kiss,” Jaebum huffed and tried to hide his voice vibrating behind a smile, but Jinyoung wasn’t satisfied.  
  
“So how professional are you?” he asked.  
  
Jaebum closed his eyes for a moment as if he decided if he should give any answer at all.  
  
“Not very it seems,” he then said. “I wanted to rewrite the entire script after watching him kiss you.”  
  
Jinyoung hummed. There it was again, the tingling, the warmth, the wanting. The satisfaction. All of it making him so excited and so calm at the same time.

“You can have me when we’re not working,” Jinyoung told him and let go of his hand, just to take a step towards him, so he stood somewhere between his feet.  
His hands had found their way to Jaebum’s waist without him noticing, but now that he did he let them wander down even further, to his hips.  
The way Jaebum leaned against the car made him just a little smaller than Jinyoung and it was easy to lean forwards and bring his face to Jaebum’s neck.  
  
“Don’t say things like that,” Jaebum breathed out. The words came out in a cloud of warm breath in the cold air. Jinyoung had nearly forgotten how cold it was.  
  
“Why not?” Jinyoung breathed out and he played with Jaebum’s sweater holes, while planting butterfly kisses on his neck. His skin was cold because Jinyoung was the one who wore his scarf.  
  
Jaebum hummed and his hands lay on Jinyoung’s sides loosely.  
  
“I shouldn’t distract you,” Jaebum whispered, his hands sliding down Jinyoung’s slim figure and pulling him even closer. “And you shouldn’t distract me.”  
  
“But I love distracting you,” Jinyoung smiled against his neck and sucked a little on his skin, nibbling on his earlobe, and when his lips brushed Jaebum’s piercings, they were ice cold.  
Jinyoung couldn’t help it. He pressed himself closer to Jaebum, his hands now playing with the hem of his shirt, not that he would ever take it off in this cold. Or would he?  
  
Their crotches were pressed against each other and Jinyoung could feel how hard Jaebum was and he had to close his eyes to endure the sensation.  
His pulse was driving him crazy and he didn’t care about anything but that electricity. About closer and hotter and more. He needed more of Jaebum, wanted him to finally fulfill the silent promise of ‘I haven’t even started yet’.  
 Jinyoung could feel it in the way Jaebum’s hands had found their way to his ass and were squeezing it lightly.  
But there was restraint. Carefulness. Hesitation?  
Something that made Jinyoung want to hold on to Jaebum even harder, because he feared he would slip through his hands if he let go.  
What would Junior do?  
  
Jinyoung chose not to ask.  
  
Instead he kissed Jaebum so deeply that he stopped thinking of that faint feeling of hesitation in the air.  
Jaebum responded immediately, the big question mark between them vanished when they started kissing like it was the only logical thing to do in a place like this.  
His breathing was hot and his lips started to warm up under Jinyoung’s kiss and Jaebum groaned deep in his throat when he squeezed Jinyoung’s ass to pull him closer against himself.  
  
Jinyoung broke the kiss just to look at Jaebum and he moaned his name quietly, when he looked around.  
Jaebum caught his glance, but he didn’t bother checking their surroundings, when he let his hand slide down Jinyoung’s front and over the bulge in his jeans, somewhere between the folds of his coat.  
  
“Jaebum,” Jinyoung whined, when his brain melted a little at the friction, his cock growing harder in his pants and with it his need.  
  
“You’re not the only one who can be greedy, you know,” Jaebum breathed out before he started kissing him again, his saliva tasting like pure arousal and his tongue hotter than before. He caught Jinyoung’s lip between his teeth and he was breathing heavily when he squeezed his bulge again. Jinyoung straight up moaned into his mouth.  
  
The darkness of the street and the huge field behind them seemed to watch over them like guardians and Jinyoung didn’t have it in him to care about the trees that were watching.  
He didn’t really care about anything when there was Im Jaebum working him up like that, ravishing his lips and his neck and pressing their bodies together. One hand on the back of Jinyoung’s head, the other rubbing over his jeans.  
When Jinyoung felt like his pants might burst and like he couldn’t hold back his whines any longer, Jaebum stopped.  
  
“Fuck it,” he brought out, the frustration dripping in his voice, “you’re good with a bit of cold, right?”

Before Jinyoung had the chance to answer him, Jaebum was fumbling around on Jinyoung’s belt and Jinyoung’s heart was thumbing and his cock pulsing and he couldn’t believe that this was happening, but Im Jaebum fumbled his belt open, then his button and fly and then he slipped his hand into his jeans and Jinyoung let go off a weak moan when he felt his warm lips back at the nape of his shoulder.

  
“Listen,” Jaebum groaned, “this is gonna be the one and only time I do this… do you still want it?”

  
“Why,” Jinyoung whined, but he could barely think straight when Jaebum’s fingers curled around his clothed length, only the thin fabric of his briefs between them. He felt himself twitching in his hand.  
  
“You know why,” Jaebum sucked on his neck harder and the wet noises made Jinyoung dizzy, “it’s no good. And I’m no good.”  
  
“But you’re good for me,” Jinyoung argued.  
  
“No,” Jaebum said, letting go of his neck and looking him in the eyes for a moment, “I’m not. Do you still want this?”  
  
“Yes,” Jinyoung said without really thinking. He needed it, whatever it was.  
  
“Okay, greedy boy,” Jaebum smiled. And with another hasty kiss to his lips, Jaebum sank to his knees in front of Jinyoung, right there between the car and the fence, in that dark and grim street and with the wind freezing cold around their ears.  
In the next moment he pulled Jinyoung’s jeans down, too, and he could feel the chilly autumn air around his legs and then around his ass.  
He didn’t worry if he could keep his boner up though; not when there was Im Jaebum on his knees for him, stroking his cock slowly a few times and looking up to him for reassurance. With those black eyes and the even blacker hair and all those piercings that kinda made him look like a piece of art in the faint lantern light.  
He even dared to smile up at him and Jinyoung had no doubt.  
An actor. 100%.  
And an illegally good one, too.  
  
But then he couldn’t think anymore, because Jaebum didn’t waste lots of time with teasing. Maybe because he didn’t want Jinyoung’s balls to freeze off, maybe because Jinyoung was too damn greedy and maybe because Jaebum was a little bit greedy himself.  
Who would have thought?  
Jinyoung didn’t bother suppressing his moans when Jaebum’s mouth was wrapped around him, his lips stretched out beautifully around his tip and his tongue pressed flat against his veins.  
His whines came out more desperate and higher than he was used to, but it just seemed to turn Jaebum on even more. His nails dug into Jinyoung’s ass, while he swallowed his cock down just to let it slide out again. He let him out of his mouth with a plop and Jinyoung heard him humming in appreciation.  
  
“You’re big, Jinyoungie,” he heard his raspy voice worship him, when he took his cock into his fist instead and started moving it quickly, licking a bit of precum from his lips and kissing up his pelvis. Jinyoung held the folds of his coat aside and his knees nearly gave in.  
The need took over his whole body and the next whine was so desperate he didn’t even sound like himself.  
  
“Jaebum, please,” he pleaded, burying his hand into Jaebum’s hair just to hold on to something.

Then he felt a wave going through his body and he reached down to take over and while he helped himself through his climax, Jaebum let his hands wander over his thighs and his ass and sucked little wet spots onto his pelvis and his hips.  
Jaebum hummed, “here we go, baby.”  
Jinyoung came with a desperate moan of Jaebum’s name and grabbed his hair a little tighter and spilled everything to the ground.  
And then it was over.  
  
And he was so stupid.  
That he wasn’t even patient enough to prolong this.  That he couldn’t even take his time when Im Jaebum was there on his knees for him.  
  
When he stood in front of him again, he helped him tuck him away into his pants and fastened his belt and then he kissed him and Jinyoung tasted himself slightly on his tongue and he hated the feeling of the kiss, because it felt like they just put an end to what was their ‘one and only time’ as Jaebum had called it.  
  
“Let’s leave this here and not take it with us to work, okay?”

Jinyoung didn’t have to ask what. He knew what. Everything that was between them. Everything should stay here.  
  
When Jaebum was about to turn around, Jinyoung held onto his arm again.  
  
“What about you?”  
  
Jaebum just licked his lips absentmindedly.  
“Don’t worry about me,” he said. “I can take care of myself.”  
  


When they drove back Jinyoung didn’t bother to look outside to remember the streets they were driving through, because he tried his best to savor everything that happened and to not let a single sensation slip his mind.

And while he forced himself not to ask if he could at least get another kiss, none of them said a word.  
He nearly waited for Jaebum to stop the car and tell him he couldn’t give this whole thing up after all, just like Jinyoung couldn’t.  
But he didn’t stop the car, because Jaebum could do this.  
Because he cared about Ashtray Heart and he cared about his career and he cared about so many things more than he cared about Jinyoung.  
  
Why hadn’t he seen this earlier?  
Why was he an amateur in everything he did?

 

During the next week on set, Jaebum was the same as always. He gave Jinyoung and the other actors advice and there was the same kind of spark in his eyes as usually.  
There was no hair-ruffling anymore, no touching in general, and Jinyoung didn’t get to see him anywhere but on set.  
But otherwise you couldn’t tell that something had happened between them at all.  
  
Jinyoung couldn’t figure out if Jaebum really didn’t care or if he was a better actor than he had thought. He just knew that it took him all his energy to not let anything show. To not let the whole set know that he missed Jaebum’s attention, even if he was right there.  
Jinyoung was convinced that a single uncontrolled longing glance would be enough to let everyone know.  
He couldn’t hide the way he startled whenever Jaebum came into a room, they way he always waited for his presence to make the walls and all the shelves and pictures fall to the ground.  
But it never happened. The walls stayed were they were and the props stayed whole, too. Just Jinyoung fell every single time.  
He fell so hard.  
  
And he was glad whenever he could slip into the role of Junior, because the acting for the movie was so much easier than pretending not to be naively, stupidly, deeply falling for Im Jaebum.  
  
He spent his time with Yugyeom instead.  
All of it.  
Nearly got a little clingy, he feared.  
Yugyeom’s presence just had something protective and comforting, if Jinyoung would admit it or not.  
  
And he was so attentive. Jinyoung never told him about anything Jaebum-related, but it was like he knew the whole story. Or he just knew to say the right things at the right time.  
  
They sat on Yugyeom’s bed together, Jinyoung with a few pages of the script on his lap and Yugyeom watching an episode of a drama on his phone.  
Jinyoung wondered what Jaebum did with his spare time down there in his caravan. Did he look through that photography magazine for the hundredth of time or did he just drink tea? Did he sleep a lot or did he drink too much coffee like Jinyoung did lately?  
Did he think about him at all?  
  
“If you wanna talk about it, you can,” Yugyeom said. And only then did Jinyoung realize he had been staring at the half opened window for the past few minutes. Yugyeom’s episode was finished, too. It was silent in the room and Jinyoung sighed.  
  
“Talk about what?”  
  
“Y’know, whatever happened with Jaebum,” Yugyeom said carefully. He laid his phone aside and leaned back against the wall. Patiently. Calmly. In the most Yugyeom-way.  
  
“Who says something happened?” Jinyoung asked, but he didn’t even convince himself.  
  
“Your dark circles say it and the way you look at him and the way he looks at you…”  
  
“How does he look at me?” Jinyoung was suddenly interested in the conversation. But Yugyeom just rolled his eyes.  
  
“I don’t know, different than usually.”  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
  
“You know that you’re not the first one who fell for him during a production, right? I’ve worked with him before on a short film and he had a fling back then, too. He always seems to have one.”  
  
Jinyoung’s stomach started whirling.  
Then his head, too.  
He didn’t know what to answer, but he heard his voice do it for him.  
  
“So what? He can have as many relationships as he wants to…”  
  
“I just feel like he’s not the kinda guy who takes his relationships very seriously, while you seem like you do.”  
  
Jinyoung wanted to say something, wanted to argue or at least tell Yugyeom not to talk to him like to a little kid, but he couldn’t get any words out. There was a big, ugly lump in his throat, blocking the way of his words and air.  
  
“I didn’t mean to be condescending,” Yugyeom said and a little bit of the lump melted.  
  
“No, it’s okay,” Jinyoung sighed. “It’s not like he didn’t warn me.”

Yugyeom nodded, even though he had probably no idea what he was talking about. And Jinyoung’s chest hurt and there was still this naive little hope in him that maybe Jaebum wasn’t like that. That maybe Jinyoung wasn’t just a random fling.

What would Junior do?  
He'd probably blame himself and overthink and wallow in self pity and negativity.  
Jinyoung was already doing that. So at least he really knew his role by now.

  
In their fifth week of shooting, Jinyoung met Bambam for the first time. He was an actor that played the boyfriend of Junior’s sister and Yugyeom already knew him.  
  
“He plays Junior,” Yugyeom explained to Bambam after hugging him and giving him a fist bump.  
  
“Oh, you fit the role well,” he said and even took a step back to look at Jinyoung. “I’m Bambam.”  
  
Jinyoung smiled at him. He was a skinny boy with heels that made his legs look even longer and he was dressed surprisingly expensive for his age. How old could he be? 20?  
His hair was dyed a pastel blue and he wore makeup and eye shadow and a choker that looked illegally sexy.  
  
“So you guys worked on a short together?” Jinyoung asked and they both nodded in unison. Bambam looked at Yugyeom and as if he had telepathically told him to, Yugyeom explained.  
  
“Have you seen Jaebum’s short films? They’re not completely written by him, but he directed them and they’re quite amazing to be honest.”  
  
Bambam nodded and smiled. “We had so much fun on set.”  
  
“I bet you did,” Jinyoung smiled, but he couldn’t help it. The words tasted bitter.  
Both of them knew more about Jaebum than he did and by the looks of it he already blew his chance to get to know him better.

Bambam went to move into the guestroom on the same floor and unpacked the stuff he had with him. A large suitcase, even though he could only be on set for maybe a week? His role was a minor one.

When Jinyoung got on set the next day, everyone was busy transforming their kitchen into the kitchen of Junior’s family, because it would be the first scene they needed it for.  
Jinyoung helped wherever he could and Jimin, Bambam and Yugyeom were talking about some shared memories from one of Jaebum’s short films.   
Great. So Jimin had been shooting with them, too?  
Was everyone on this damned set friends and did every single one of them have more experience than him?  
He tried to let his silence not be too passive aggressive, but it was difficult.  He already hadn’t gotten much sleep that night.  
  
It was like a weight was lifted off his shoulders when they started filming. Finally he could concentrate only on Junior and forget about everything else.  
When Jaebum walked into the room, Jinyoung waited a few moments for any signs of earthquake or natural disaster, but there was just the usual electricity in the air around him that nobody else seemed to care about.  
Nobody saw his struggle and Jaebum didn’t look at him anyway.

They started with a scene between Junior’s sister and mother and once again he was hypnotized by Jimin’s acting.  The way she used the props so naturally made him wonder if she had lived in this kitchen for years, and the way she ignored the cameras made Jinyoung question if they were really there.  
He took mental notes again. Wondered if this was a talent she had or if years and years of practice were the reason.  
  
“Of course I care about you,” Junior’s mother exclaimed, sitting down on one of the chairs, her body lumping, her arms heavy. “You kids are all I have!”

Jimin laughed a laugh that felt like an arrow into Jinyoung’s chest. Full of hurt and sarcasm.  
  
“If you’d care you’d know that Junior needs help,” she said, “do you even check in on him anymore?”  
  
“Cut!” Jaebum’s voice basically tore the set apart.  
  
“Well done, yes, exactly like that,” Jaebum walked into the kitchen and talked to the actors for a moment.  
“You worry about your brother, you definitely do, but when you’re talking to your mom you’re also telling her that you need her. She’s been absent and Junior needs her, but you need her, too, alright?”  
  
“Right,” Jimin nodded.  
  
“And Sandra, look at your daughter when she confronts you like that. She tells you that you don’t care and that really fucking hurts you, alright?”

  
“Yeah okay,” Sandra agreed.  
  
And they did the scene again and Jinyoung watched them and after a few more takes, the scene was wrapped up and then Bambam came in.  
  
His role picked up his girlfriend and interrupted the mother/daughter scene.  
It was a short scene, nothing significant.  
  
But when he was done, Jaebum came rushing to him with a spark in his eyes.

“Perfect as always, Bammie!” He put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. “That’s how I know my boy.”  
  
Jinyoung felt like throwing up.  
He was so stupid. So naive and so stupid and such an amateur.  
It was so obvious.

This boy was one of the flings Yugyeom had told him about.  
Of course he was, it all made sense.  
 It all made sense and Jinyoung wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry.  He did neither.  
 He just stood in the door frame of the kitchen, where he became one with the wood, where his feet froze onto the ground.  
He would never be able to move again.  
  
“Jinyoung!” Jaebum came towards him with a thin smile on his face. “Ready for your scene? It’s short but significant!”

“I know,” Jinyoung said and it sounded just a little too young again. Just a little too inexperienced, a little too bratty.  
Just a little too hurt as well.  
  
“So you’re ready?”  
  
Jinyoung nodded. He was more than ready to be Junior. He was so sick of being anyone else.  
  
It was easy.  
Easier to let his voice tremble with hurt, easier to look resigned and so much easier to pretend there was a dark cloud over the room.  
Because there was.  
 He could see it clearly and it was huge and it threw shadows on all of them and if it started to rain now it would’ve drowned them all in that small kitchen.

It was so easy to play Junior, it was ridiculous. He wrapped up his scenes quickly and precisely. Didn’t even need Tara or any other memories to get in the right mindset, because he was already there.  
And after his scenes were done, Jaebum complimented him, told him he’d been so _so_ good.   
  
There was still that faint storm in his stomach, but he wanted to be good for Jaebum. Wanted to be even better for him and wanted to listen to his praises forever. But most of all he wanted to be the only one he praised.  
Jinyoung bit his lip while he listened to him; he wouldn’t let stupid words slip his tongue again.  
Being greedy hadn’t turned out well for him so far.  
  


  
And when he lay in his bed early that evening in his and Yugyeom’s room, there was still too much of Junior in him and he didn’t really try to get him out anyway. He just lay on his bed for a while and then he let himself think of Tara.  
Did she think about him in her last weeks alive? Or was she too far gone? He hadn’t done anything he should regret, right? It wasn’t his fault that she was gone, right? Maybe if he had made an effort to come back into her life, he could’ve pulled her out of the darkness?  
  
And Jaebum. What about Jaebum? How could Jinyoung ruin things like this, before they even started?  
Why did people leave Jinyoung so easily? Was there nothing about him that was worth holding onto?  
  
Jinyoung sat up.

He sat up, anger seething in his veins, his blood flowing faster, and he balled his hands to fists.  
He didn’t want to be like Junior; didn’t want to be unsure and didn’t want his anger burning in silence.  
He didn’t want any of this.  
  
So he asked himself: What the hell would Jinyoung do?

  
  
When he rushed down the fly of stairs in the house and through the wide living room, he had let Junior behind in his room.  
He knew exactly what he wanted to do and what he needed to do.  
So he walked outside and straight to Jaebum’s Caravan. There were lights on, so he was definitely in there and Jinyoung couldn’t ignore the excitement in his every cell. The determination.

He was just about to knock at the door, when he heard Jaebum’s voice.  
It was soft and delighted and Jinyoung hated it.  
   
“Just come down here if you need me again,” Jaebum said and Jinyoung’s stomach turned.  
  
“Okay.” It had to be Bambam’s voice, even though it was nearly too quiet to hear. “See you, Im Jaebum.”  
  
Jinyoung wanted to hide or something, his heart was beating fast and hasty, but he didn’t have enough time.  
So when the door of the caravan opened, he stood a few feet away from it like a deer in the headlights.  
Bambam looked seriously surprised, but he didn’t say anything. He just greeted Jinyoung and then looked at Jaebum, who stood in the door frame and then he walked past Jinyoung.  
  
Jinyoung stood there and nearly wished he had stayed in his room.  
  
“I didn’t know the whole crew was visiting today,” Jaebum said and turned around again, simply letting the door open for Jinyoung to come in.  
It wasn’t exactly a welcoming gesture.  
But Jinyoung didn’t have the strength to turn around. Not when Jaebum’s caravan was there, open for him.

So he took the little steps up and joined him inside.  
  
He didn’t say a word, but watched Jaebum making tea again. Jinyoung looked around the little room for signs.

Were the bed sheets ruffled up? Was Jaebum’s hair?  
And what could Bambam possibly have wanted other than Im Jaebum himself?  
  
  
“I missed you.”  
Jinyoung hadn’t given those words consent to leave his lips.  
Where did all his determination go?  
  
“That was not what I expected you to say.” Jaebum said. He looked surprised too, but he controlled it better than Jinyoung.  
  
“What did you expect me to say?”  
  
“I thought you wanted help for your scene on Friday.”  
  
Jinyoung sat down on Jaebum’s bed and screwed up his face.  
The sex scene. He had completely forgotten about that.    
  
“Would you have helped me?” Jinyoung asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
“I would have given you advice, yes, because that’s my job,” Jaebum took a sip of his tea and Jinyoung caught himself pouting.  
23 year olds shouldn’t pout like this.  
  
They stayed silent for a while and Jinyoung ignored the tea that was waiting for him on the table. He just looked at his own hands.  
  
“So what did Bambam need?” Jinyoung spit the words out like they could poison him if he kept them in longer.  
  
Jaebum looked at him over the edge of his mug and he felt his curious eyes on him.  
  
“Help,” Jaebum said.  
  
“With what?”

Another silence. Jaebum looked at him and Jinyoung couldn’t read his expression at all.  
  
“Jinyoung,” he finally sighed. “I’m not fucking Bambam.”  
  
Jinyoung couldn’t help it. His whole body felt relieved and light when he said it. Like he could finally release a breath that he had been holding all day.  
  
Jaebum looked at him and for a short moment there was that spark again and he seemed to forget what to say for a moment and Jinyoung’s heart was racing and Jaebum pushed his hair back and then he was back to his calm and collected self again.  
  
“So, about the scene…” Jaebum said and sat down on his bed, a careful distance between them, leaning back on his arms, “tell me about it.”

Jinyoung felt his head getting hot and he looked down at his hands.

“Well…Junior is desperate and-” he started, but interrupted himself, “actually, I think I got this.”  
  
The last thing he needed was to become a blushing, stuttering mess in front of Jaebum and throw away the last bit of self respect he still had.  
The last thing he wanted was to show Jaebum just how much he still longed for him and how the bit of distance between them tortured him.

So he stood up from the bed and then he walked to the door. When he looked back he saw a hint of confusion on Jaebum’s face, before he stood up, too, and joined him at the door. So at least he was still able to surprise him.

Jinyoung was just about to open the door, when Jaebum’s voice stopped him.

“Bambam’s all talk and no action,” he said quietly, “he probably lists flirting as a hobby:”

Jinyoung hummed. He could nearly taste the satisfaction now. He didn’t know if it was because Bambam was no danger or because Jaebum felt the need to let him know.

“Good night.” Jinyoung opened the door and a wall of cold air hit him, but it was weirdly refreshing.

Junior would like it a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls let me know if you liked this chapter I could use some feedback :-)))


	5. TAKE FIVE

**TAKE FIVE**

  _♡Jinyoung hated the thought of dirty smoke in Jaebum’s lungs, but found it sort of comforting that he too had something he was addicted to._ _♡_

 

The days until Friday went by too slowly. Jinyoung barely saw Jaebum in the house and he only shot two scenes during those days. The focus was on Sandra, who played Junior’s mother.   
Jinyoung read a lot during the days and went for one or two walks in the evenings, trying to get his mind off things.

He let himself think about Jaebum, let himself wallow in thoughts and fantasies, didn’t care about shutting him out anymore.  
Longing for him at night was one thing, but missing him on a Thursday afternoon around 3pm was pure torture.   
Jaebum’s schedule had him working all day long, every day, and Jinyoung wished he could just turn back time to before that night at the fence and to kiss him and never stop kissing him.  
The longing made his stomach twist; he didn’t even have it in him to be bitter about Jaebum working with Bambam in those few days.  He forced himself not to walk down to the caravan anymore and to be a better actor on set.   
As Junior and as Jinyoung.   
  
Jaebum didn’t have to know that it took him so much work and concentration to keep all the walls from falling whenever they were in the same room.  
Being Junior got more exhausting, too.   
The scenes got heavier, Junior’s step slower, his voice quieter, more monotone.   
It took Jinyoung more effort to snap out of it when the scene was wrapped up.

And the few times he saw Jaebum, the few hours they spent together on set, he looked different, too.  
The exhaustion was visible, his dark circles a little darker. He seemed to always have a mug with coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other.   
He overheard him telling Yugyeom that he wasn’t strong enough to direct a movie and stop smoking at the same damn time.  
  
Jinyoung hated the thought of dirty smoke in Jaebum’s lungs, but found it sort of comforting that he had something he was addicted to, too.

On Friday of his sixth week he woke up and wanted to go right back to sleep.  
   
Instead Jinyoung found himself eating breakfast with Yugyeom, Jimin and Bambam in the living room an hour later, because the kitchen was still used as set.  
Too much caffeine and three lousy hours of sleep was everything he had to survive the day and also wrap up that sex scene with Yugyeom, who was currently falling asleep with a piece of toast in his mouth.  
Jinyoung pinched his side and Yugyeom startled and looked around in confusion.  
  
“You’re gonna choke on it and die,” he sighed, “and we’ll never get this movie done.”

“Thanks,” Yugyeom mumbled, yawning and sitting up on the couch, stretching his long arms.  
Bambam sat on the carpet, a bowl of cereal in his hands and a coffee in front of him on a tablet and Jinyoung swore he could smell the sugar in it.  
He already wore makeup, too. A+ for effort.   
 Jinyoung didn’t have the energy to be sarcastic about it. That boy really tried his best and he couldn’t say that about himself.   
He’d have to shower today though, because yes, he played a depressed character, but no he wouldn’t get into that bed with Yugyeom all smelly like this.

And compared to the first week, he wasn’t majorly nervous about the scene either.  
It would be fine.

  
  
When he stood in Junior’s small, messy room in nothing but tight briefs that had the exact same color as his skin, everything was different.  
He felt the camera-girl’s tries not to look at his body and the sound technician looking away quickly when he caught him staring and he wouldn’t have wondered if someone would come and put a price tag on him.  
Put him in a shop window like that.  
  
They had wrapped up the scene in which Kyum passionately undressed Junior and now he waited for Jaebum to come back to set; wherever the hell he went.  
Jinyoung was definitely nervous now.  
And it didn’t help that Yugyeom was sitting next to him on the bed, readjusting his hair and shuffling around.   
“Next time take me out for dinner first,” Yugyeom chuckled. He probably looked forward to saying this sentence from the very first day on. So Jinyoung pinched him in the side again.  
  
“We’ve been living together for six weeks,” he said, “now is not the time to get romantic.”  
  
“Now is exactly the time to get romantic,” Jaebum’s voice said and it felt like it stormed into the room before he did. He had a clipboard under his arm and a Simpsons mug in his hand, the coffee still steaming hot.   
Jinyoung wanted to say something sarcastic about letting them wait so he could get coffee, but when he looked into Jaebum’s face, he didn’t.  
There was every single hour of work painted on his face and every hour he didn’t sleep over the past days.  
His hair was an uncombed mess or maybe he just stroked his hand through it too often.  
The electricity around him was there, it seemed to be everywhere now and Jinyoung wasn’t sure Jaebum still controlled it. It was like he lost control over it and now it did what it wanted.   
If only Jinyoung could just end this stupid day of filming and lay down with Jaebum. Platonically if he insisted.

“So, we talked about this,” he said, his voice sounding far away. “I need this raw and honest. Junior throws himself at him and Kyum takes care of the rest. Do you think you can try that?”  
  
Both Jinyoung and Yugyeom nodded. Both looking at Jaebum with more obedience than usually.  
  
“Then let’s get this going,” Jaebum sighed. “I’m ready when you are.”  
  
Two minutes later the word action filled the room and then action itself.  
  
Junior and Kyum stood in front of the bed, kissing, and pressed against each other. Junior’s hand in Kyum’s hair, Kyum’s hands wandering down Junior’s body.  
Then they were on his bed and-  
  
“Cut,” Jaebum interrupted, “can we do this again please?”  
He didn’t tell them what, but Jinyoung knew. It didn’t feel real, they were tensed, a little stiff. A little too quiet, too. Jaebum didn’t really need to point it out for them to know.  
  
The next try was messier. Jinyoung let go and while he ignored the three other people in the room, he tried drowning in Yugyeom again. Junior kissed Yugyeom and it was sloppier and it was breathier and he let himself moan into the kiss and he honestly didn’t hate it.   
He could work like this. Yugyeom walked him back to the bed and Jinyoung fell into the soft mattress and then Yugyeom was over him.  
Once again there wasn’t enough Junior and there was too much Jinyoung. Not enough Kyum and too much Jaebum.  
  
“Cut,” Jaebum’s voice made them stop, pausing for a moment. Junior wiped a bit of saliva off his lips.  
  
“Sorry,” Yugyeom mumbled and smiled and Jinyoung couldn’t help but smile back. It was a bizarre situation.

Then Jaebum was there with them, stood over them, where they sat on the bed, and looked only at Jinyoung.  
He suddenly felt shy, sitting there completely naked with only nude briefs. He was a professional though and Jaebum had already sucked him off after all.   
Not the thoughts he should be having right now, but nevertheless the truth.  
But he couldn’t help but look up at Jaebum’s lips and his stern eyes on him.

“Yugyeom,” Jaebum said, finally looking at him, too, ”you care for him. Yes, you want to eat him up alive, but you also treasure him. I need some more eye contact.”

“Okay,” Yugyeom nodded. His nose and ears a little red from the embarrassment.  
  
After they finally wrapped up that sequence, Yugyeom was on Jinyoung, steadying himself on his arms on Jinyoung’s sides and the blanket hanging loosely over their lower bodies. The camera girl was right beside the bed now and Jaebum was busy spraying a bit of fake sweat onto Yugyeom’s back and Jinyoung’s forehead, making his hair stick to his skin slightly. It was just water, but it really added to the whole feeling of sex and awkwardness.  
  
When they started kissing again, Yugyeom’s groans mixed with Jinyoung’s and he felt his crotch pressing down on him. And he wanted to be professional, but he also wanted it to look real. So he imagined Jaebum.   
With his eyes closed he imagined Jaebum above him, his skin on his and his crotch on his.  
  
And even though it was all incredibly awkward and even though the camera and the microphone were right there and even though Yugyeom was acting, Jinyoung got hard.   
Not even aroused. Just hard.  
And he felt the exact moment when Yugyeom noticed. Because his breath hitched for a split second and his body tensed, but then he was back to kissing his neck and moving their bodies, professionally imitating sex.   
With Jinyoung not so professionally getting a boner.  
  
And Jinyoung’s blood rushed to his head and he hoped it would just add to the whole scene and not give him away.  
One or two of his moans might have been real, because the way Yugyeom rubbed over his hard on was just too much, but nobody needed to know.  
When the scene was a wrap, Yugyeom looked down on him with an indefinable expression and Jinyoung nearly feared he’d just lean down again to keep kissing him, but he didn’t.   
  
“Okay, we continue in half an hour,” Jaebum announced, his voice even further away than before. “Well done, everyone.”  
  
“Can I talk to you for a second,” he added towards Jinyoung.  
 He nodded.   
Jaebum’s voice sounded exactly how he hoped it would. Like he was holding back, like he did his best to control himself.  
  
Jinyoung still sat there, the blanket covering half his body, while Yugyeom stood up, grabbed a bathrobe and left the room quickly. He hadn’t stayed unaffected either. Jinyoung had clearly felt it.  
  
Jaebum closed the door behind the others and then he looked at Jinyoung.  
And then he walked towards him and sat down on the bed. He looked torn and Jinyoung had no idea what he was about to do.   
But Jaebum just closed his eyes and let himself fall back on the bed.  
  
“Fuck,” he sighed, while looking at the ceiling. “You did well.”  
  
“Really?” Jinyoung mumbled.  
  
“I’m such an amateur, you know,” Jaebum sighed, “we only have two weeks left and we’re behind schedule, too, and I should be worried, but I can’t be assed to care.”  
  
Jinyoung lay down next to Jaebum and stared at him from the side.  
He didn’t dare to say a word, because he didn’t want him to stop talking.

“I hate watching you with him,” Jaebum admitted. “I fucking hate it.”  
  
Jinyoung didn’t say anything, but his heart started beating faster again and the hope he had banished into a far away corner of his heart, was knocking at the doors again.  
  
“I only think about how maybe we could go get a coffee after all this is done, but I barely know where or how you live…”

Jinyoung needed a moment to understand.  
There was confusion and there were so many questions, but he also felt like he understood a little.  
  
“I live in Jinhae with three other guys,” he sighed, “we barely manage to pay the rent and the boys are stressed with college most of the time…”  
  
Jaebum turned to lie on his side, his head on his arm and he looked at Jinyoung with a tiny curious spark in his eyes.

“So what do you do when they’re not studying?”  
  
“We watch lots of movies. Friday night is movie night,” Jinyoung told him, “if you miss movie night you have to do all the chores the next week. Mark is kinda introverted and Jackson is always out, so you have to force them all together. Youngjae is chill.”  
  
Jaebum hummed as if that was truly fascinating, even though he never even heard their names before.   
  
“What movies do you like?” Jaebum said quietly and he didn’t startle when Jinyoung moved closer and searched for his hand to draw little circles on.  
It was like they touched for the very first time and Jinyoung’s heart was beating up to his throat.  
He felt like a wrong move would make Jaebum remember about his resolutions.

“I like dramas…but not if they’re full of action. I prefer slow movies,” he said. “How about you?”  
  
Jaebum’s hand had found its way to Jinyoung’s waist were it lay peacefully.  
  
“I don’t have flat mates and funny enough I don’t watch movies too often,” he said. “I just have a cat and too many books.”  
  
“There’s no such thing as too many books.”  
  
“Yeah, probably not,” Jaebum smiled and he looked so tired. As if he’d never get up from this bed again.  
  
“Jaebum,” Jinyoung said, “do you really want to stay away from me?”  
  
“No,” he sighed. “I hate it.”  
  
“Then don’t,” Jinyoung leaned up and over Jaebum and he breathed a thin kiss onto his lips, unsure what Jaebum would do. “Us being together isn’t as bad as you think.”  
  
“Maybe not,” Jaebum sighed and pulled Jinyoung on top of himself to kiss him again. “But you’d be disappointed if you got to know me.”  
  
Jinyoung kissed him and Jaebum’s lips were warm and careful, but also wanting. Definitely wanting.

“Can’t I at least decide that for myself?” Jinyoung said, “Maybe you’re the one who’s gonna be disappointed by me.”  
  
“This would be a lot easier if you weren’t the greediest boy on earth, y’know,” Jaebum closed his eyes and sighed dramatically.  
  
“But that’s what you like about me, remember?”  
  
“I fucking love it,” Jaebum brought out, his voice tortured. So raspy and tired and tortured.  
Jinyoung leaned down and kissed him harder. They didn’t have time, but he needed a proper kiss after all these days. One that made him survive the next hour of filming.  
He also wanted to make sure Jaebum had a reason not to change his mind again.  
 Like maybe if he kissed him good enough he couldn’t walk away from him again.  
  
While he kissed Jaebum into the mattress, that one had his hands on Jinyoung’s ass, making him grind down on him and Jinyoung was positive he could feel his hard on. He had to.

“Did he get you this hard?” Jaebum let one of his hands feel over Jinyoung’s briefs, squeezing around his clothed length experimentally. There was a different kind of spark in his eyes now.   
  
“No.” Jinyoung bucked his hips into the touch. “You did.”  
  
“I wanna take care of you,” Jaebum groaned between needy kisses and Jinyoung let a moan slip.   
  
“Then do,” he breathed against Jaebum’s mouth. “We can sneak into the bathroom.”  
  
“We don’t have time,” Jaebum pulled Jinyoung down and licked into his mouth teasingly, bit his lips lightly, made him want him so much it started hurting.  
  
“You’re playing with me, Im Jaebum,” Jinyoung pouted.

“I’m not,” Jaebum said, “we just need to get this scene done.

“Then tonight?”  
 Jinyoung breathed the words against Jaebum’s neck, while Jaebum let one hand slide into Jinyoung’s briefs through one of the leg holes, barely touching him. Jinyoung felt shivers of lust run through his body. He could hear the clock in Junior’s room ticking.  
  
“Okay,” Jaebum said, “shit, okay. Tonight.”  
  
“I think you should maybe get out of this bed now,” Jinyoung said, but kept circling his hips down on Jaebum, sucking on his neck softly.  
They shared another kiss and then let go off each other and it took Jinyoung all his strength not to whine for him.   
When Jaebum made his clothes look more presentable again and stood up, Jinyoung watched him.   
He walked to the door to get the others back to the set, but before he opened it, he turned around.  
  
“I missed you, too, y’know,” he said. “I’m sorry I am like this…you confuse me y’know?.”

  
  
  
  
Jinyoung couldn’t really tell how he managed to do anything productive the next hour of shooting and it didn’t help that Jaebum was watching the whole time. But for some reason the second half of the scene went by faster than the first.   
When they had wrapped it up, Jaebum left with a few of the other actors to film a smaller outdoor scene and Yugyeom and Jinyoung had time to relax.  
  
When Jinyoung came back into the room with a towel over his shoulder and wet hair, Yugyeom looked up at him from where he sat on his bed.   
He wasn’t sure if something like a boner on set was worth making things awkward. Probably not.  
  
“What did you and Jaebum talk about earlier?” Yugyeom asked and looked down on his phone with an expression on his face that Jinyoung had never seen on him.   
“Nothing important. Why?”  
  
“He wrapped you around his finger again, right?” Yugyeom spit the words out like they tasted disgusting.  
  
“Who says I didn’t wrap him around my finger?” Jinyoung hissed. “Not that it’s any of your business.”  
  
“Right, sorry” Yugyeom mumbled and put his phone away, “It’s just that he always gets the ones I like.”  
  
Jinyoung looked at him unsure; his heart felt weirdly heavy, as if it was slowly sinking in his body.  
  
“What do you mean?” he asked. Even though he knew.   
  
“First Bambam, now you,” Yugyeom brought out with a bitter smile on his face, “it’s like I’m not even here when he is.”  
Yugyeom walked to the door and turned his back to Jinyoung, but he didn’t miss the way his shoulders were tensed up and his breathing was just a little too fast.  
  
“Yugyeom, I’m-“  
  
“It’s okay,” Yugyeom interrupted him, his voice getting quieter, more vulnerable. “During our scene today I really thought you might like me back, but it was him- it’s always him.”  
  
Jinyoung felt a thick lump in his throat that made it hard to breathe and his chest hurt when Yugyeom turned around and his usually soft features looked so hurt.  
  
“I do like you,” Jinyoung said but he regretted it right away. Why was he such a coward?  
  
“Just not romantically, I know,” Yugyeom brought out and then he took a deep breath. “It’s okay, really, I just need to get out of here for an hour or two.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
Yugyeom smiled a sad smile that took him too much effort and then he closed the door behind himself.   
Jinyoung stood up and he wanted to go after him, but then he stopped himself. This wasn’t about him or his need to make things right.   
This wasn’t about getting rid of his guilt.  
  
His every bone ached when he lay down on his bed and stared at Yugyeom’s empty bed for a while, a panda plush on it.  
 It wasn’t like he hadn’t noticed the way Yugyeom looked at him. He had just ignored it, while he whined about Jaebum all day long.   
How selfish could one be?  


Jinyoung slept all afternoon and when he woke up Yugyeom still wasn’t back.  
While most of the others sat together in the living room, eating dinner which was just a bunch of pizzas they had ordered, and laughing, Jinyoung sat on his bed with a slice of pizza and a book.  
All of the people would be too much for him now. He needed to be alone for a while, before he could finally spend some time with Jaebum again.  
Jaebum had come back about an hour ago and Jinyoung assumed he watched TV with the rest of them.   
He decided to text Yugyeom.  
  
>Are you okay?<  
  
No answer.   
Jinyoung threw his phone on the bed too harshly and it bounced against the bed frame, but he couldn’t care less.

It was his fault that Yugyeom couldn’t stand being in this house anymore and he knew it.   
He needed to find a way to make up for hurting him like that. For disappearing with Jaebum so many times, leaving Yugyeom behind in their room. Ignoring the way he looked at him.  
For not even talking to him about it, even though Yugyeom tried so many times to understand what was going on between him and Jaebum.  
For not making it clear from the beginning that he didn’t have these kinds of feelings for Yugyeom.  
For kind of enjoying the way Yugyeom looked at him.  
  
Jinyoung stood up from his bed and put on his coat and scarf.   
He dialed Yugyeom’s number, but nobody picked up.   
Then he tried again and just when he wanted to give up again, Yugyeom’s voice answered.  
“Hello?”  
  
“Yugyeom, hey,” Jinyoung said. “Where are you?”  
  
“I’m not entirely sure,” Yugyeom sighed. “I walked into that forest near the village.”  
  
“Is it okay if I come and pick you up?”  
  
“Okay,” Yugyeom said and Jinyoung could hear that he was sorry.  
  
He put on his shoes and grabbed his pizza carton and when he went downstairs and into the living room, everyone looked at him in confusion.  
  
“Where’s Jaebum?” he asked.  
  
“In the caravan probably,” Jimin said. “I thought you were with him.”   
  
Jinyoung heard someone chuckle, but he didn’t even listen properly; he just turned around and closed the front door behind him.  
Then he went to the caravan and he closed his eyes when he stood on the little steps.  
He knocked and screwed up his face.   
He hated doing this.  
  
When the door opened, Jaebum looked at him with a tired, but fond smile.  
  
“I thought you wouldn’t come,” he said and Jinyoung bit his lips nervously.  
  
“Listen, I am so sorry Jaebum, but can I borrow your car?”  
  
“My car? Why?” Jaebum looked so confused and a little bit worried. “Did something happen?”  
  
“Yugyeom’s in the forest and I’m gonna pick him up,” he explained quickly. “I need to talk to him.”  
  
“About what?” Jaebum asked.  
  
“Can we talk about this later, I don’t want to let him wait,” Jinyoung said and hated how it sounded.   
  
Jaebum looked at him unsure. He looked weirdly vulnerable standing there with his grey sweatpants and the dark circles under his eyes.  
  
“Should I wait for you, or…”

“Yeah, please.,” Jinyoung smiled and took the last step. “And Jaebum… trust me,”  
He softly pressed his lips onto Jaebum’s and smiled.  
“I’m not fucking Yugyeom.”  
  
Jaebum nodded and then turned around and grabbed his keys from the desk.   
  
“Drive safely.”  



	6. TAKE SIX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger Warnings for this chapter:** more or less descriptive suicide mention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this is the final chapter, I'm sorry I took my time ♥

**TAKE SIX / FINAL TAKE**

__♡_ Then Jaebum yelled “Cut!” and the world started moving again  _♡__

  
In the car Jinyoung thought about ways to apologize. Why were apologies so damn hard?  
He drove through the small streets and there was nobody outside anymore. It was a little village and it didn’t take him long to drive through it and see the forest.  
It looked even scarier in the dark.  
He couldn’t drive into it, because the path was too small, so he parked the car at the edge and took the pizza carton and his phone with him that had to serve as a flashlight.  
The trees were huge and melted to a black mass above him, but Jinyoung tried not to think of all the supernatural monsters that could hide in this darkness. He tried to think of Yugyeom and Yugyeom only.  
He called him again and this time he picked up immediately.  
  
“Yugyeommie,” he said. “You’re in the forest, right?”  
  
“Yeah,” Yugyeom said. “I’m pretty sure I’m on my way out….probably.”  
  
“Can you describe your surroundings?”  
  
“Oh you know, mostly trees and darkness…and probably one or two axe-murderers.”  
  
“Well then we’re definitely in the same forest,” Jinyoung sighed. “Why did you come here again?”  
  
“I didn’t think about it,” Yugyeom whispered, guilt and sadness pouring through the phone.  
 Jinyoung was so stupid; how could he be so stupid?  
  
“Okay, don’t worry, it can’t be that big,” he said quickly. “I’m gonna use my flashlight again and if you see anything like that, walk towards it.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Then let’s stop talking now, I don’t have much battery.”  
  
“Oh, great, Jinyoung.”  
  
Walking alone through a dark forest at night was very low on the list of things Jinyoung did for fun, but it was incredibly much worse to know that Jaebum was waiting for him in his caravan while the minutes passed. And it was incredibly much worse to know that Yugyeom was lost in a place like this and that he was probably right about the axe-murderers.  
  
According to his phone it had been an hour and they still hadn’t crossed paths. Jinyoung had a very faint feeling that he didn’t know his own way back either, but he tried not to be negative and instead tried to remember things he saw, like that one fallen tree on his left five minutes ago or that rotten cord at the edge of the path that he really didn’t want to think about further.  
  
He was just about to dial Yugyeom’s number again to tell him his battery was at 2% and he should probably use it to call Jaebum for help, when he heard his voice from afar.  
  
“Jinyoung,” he yelled. “Jinyoung I see you!”

He had never thought that he would one day be glad to hear those exact words coming out of a dark forest, but here he was, running towards them as fast as he could.  
  
“Fuck, Yugyeom,” he panted, when they had finally found each other and hugged it out for a moment. “I was already planning our funerals.”  
  
He hadn’t realized how hard he had clenched his teeth the whole time, until he let go of the tension and could finally calm down a little.  
  
“Me too,” Yugyeom shook his head. “I’m never stepping into a forest again.”  
  
“Well, we still haven’t left this one-” Jinyoung sighed, “-but I brought pizza.”  
  
“Are you saying you literally could’ve left a path of pizza crumbs behind you and didn’t do it?”  
  
“Oh come on, it’s not like that actually works,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes.  
  
He opened the carton and gave Yugyeom a slice of cold pizza and took one for himself.  
They slowly made their way back to where Jinyoung came from. There weren’t that many junctions of the path, but Jinyoung wasn’t good at remembering such things either.  
They ate their cold pizza and walked fast but more comfortably.  
  
“Listen, Yugyeommie,” he finally said. “I’m sorry about all of this.”  
  
“It’s not your fault,” Yugyeom mumbled with his mouth full, looking away awkwardly.

“I’m sorry that I never really talked to you about anything,” Jinyoung continued. “I know you waited for me to make some kinda step…”  
  
Yugyeom hummed.  
“So you and Jaebum,” Yugyeom started. “Can you just tell me what’s up with that.”  
  
“I think I really like him,” Jinyoung said carefully, “and he might like me too.”  
  
“Yeah, it looks like he does,” Yugyeom admitted quietly, “he wasn’t like that with Bambam.”  
  
“Yeah, that’s what he told me, too,” Jinyoung said, “and I don’t think Bambam was in love with Jaebum.”  
  
“Maybe not, but he wasn’t interested in me either.”

Jinyoung hummed. He couldn’t force Yugyeom to feel better.  
They took another turn and there was a sign he remembered, a sign that said ‘Hunting prohibited’.  
  
“Oh, I think we’re close,” Jinyoung said and Yugyeom smiled.  
  
“Listen, Yugyeom,” he said. “I’m sorry I don’t feel the same, but you’ve become my best friend out here and you’re the best colleague ever.”  
  
“Thank you,” Yugyeom said. “Remember what I said about you being like Junior? I take that back. You two are actually pretty different I guess.”  
  


When they drove back, Yugyeom was silent, but his hurt and bitterness didn’t poison the air anymore. He was sad but he made clear that he could deal with it somehow. Jinyoung also didn’t try to hide that he was going to see Jaebum later. He told Yugyeom not to wait for him that night.  
It hurt him to hurt Yugyeom, but it was just fair to tell him.  
  
“Tell me if he ends up hurting you,” Yugyeom smiled. “I’m not as pacifistic as I look.”  
  
“Okay.” Jinyoung smiled back. That boy truly deserved the world.  
  
When he parked the car, he hugged Yugyeom one more time and told him to warm up inside. Then he looked at his phone, but it had died shortly after he’d found Yugyeom in the forest.  
 He had no idea how long they’d been away. He had no idea how long he let Jaebum wait.  
So he went straight to the caravan and sighed in relief when he saw that the lights were still on.  
The guilt ate on Jinyoung’s intestines, but his every nerve was prickly to see Jaebum.

When he knocked at the door, nobody opened.  
He knocked again, then he tried to turn the doorknob and it was still open.  
So he let himself in and quietly closed the door behind himself.  
  
Jaebum was asleep already, his limbs spread out across the bed, the blanket somewhere ruffled up around his feet and his shirt hanging loosely around his tummy.  
He was sleeping, but he still looked tired somehow.  
Jinyoung stood there for a moment and watched him. His soft features and the way his chest moved steadily; he looked so vulnerable again.  
  
He turned off the lights and carefully made his way over to the bed, trying not to wake him up.  
He slipped out of his shoes and put his coat and scarf over one of the chairs by the round table.  
Then he stripped out of his jeans as well and sat down on the edge of the bed in only his black briefs.  
  
Watching Jaebum’s chest move peacefully and his closed lids, he smiled.  
  
“I think I love you, Im Jaebum,” he whispered and dared to reach out to carefully stroke a strand of black hair out of his face.  
He still wore all of his piercings and there was a half empty can of tea on the table.  
“I’m sorry I let you wait.”  
  
“It’s okay, Jinyoungie.” Jaebum opened his eyes slowly and smiled a sleepy smile. “C’mere.”  
  
He leant up on one arm and used the other to pull Jinyoung down onto the bed with him.  
Jinyoung’s heart was jumping.  
  
“You’re awake?” He brought out, slight panic in his voice.  
  
“No, you just woke me,” Jaebum stretched his arms and shifted closer to the wall to make space for Jinyoung. “Are you gonna tell me about Yugyeom now?”  
  
Jinyoung cuddled close to him and played with Jaebum’s hand in his.  
And he told him everything, from Yugyeom’s feelings to Jinyoung’s guilt and getting lost in dark forests, and Jaebum patiently listened to all of it.  
  
“So you rejected him?” he wanted to know when Jinyoung finished.  He nodded and cuddled closer to Jaebum. It was way too cold to be in his briefs in this caravan. The heaters did nothing.  
But his stomach felt warm and his chest fluttery when Jaebum wrapped his arms around him.  
  
“Take me with you the next time you walk into a dark forest,” Jaebum sighed. “It doesn’t sound exactly safe.”

“Okay.”  
  
Jinyoung was still wide awake, so he decided to take a bit of control.  
Jaebum smiled at him when Jinyoung climbed onto him and leaned down to lazily kiss him into the mattress.  
  
“Tell me if you’re too tired for this,” Jinyoung cooed, while kissing down Jaebum’s jaw and nibbling on one of his earrings.  
  
“I’m never too tired for this,” he grinned.  
  
“You haven’t had a break in ages,” Jinyoung said, while drawing circles with his hips, Jaebum’s hands on his waist, holding him tightly.  
  
“It’s okay,” Jaebum sighed. “It’ll all be worth it.”  
  
“It will,” Jinyoung agreed and started kissing him again, connecting their tongues and playing with his bottom lip, while pressing down on his growing bulge more eagerly.  
He loved feeling him getting harder slowly, with every of Jinyoung’s moves and he loved having Jaebum to himself like this, all intimate and warm and sleepy, but just as needy as him.  
  
“It would be more comfortable if we were in my apartment back home,” he said, smiling up at Jinyoung and letting him do his thing.  
  
“It’s perfect like this,” Jinyoung shook his head.  
He was straight up lap-dancing on him now, grinding down and swaying his hips and Jaebum’s hands appreciated every move, stroking up his torso and pulling his shirt up with them.  
Jinyoung quickly took over and got rid of his shirt, feeling incredibly hot, all exposed for Jaebum.  
  
“You look so good,” Jaebum said, his eyes clouded and his hands feeling over Jinyoung’s naked stomach and up his torso, playing with his nipples for a while.  
  
Jinyoung got himself just as horny as Jaebum and it didn’t take long until the bit of friction wasn’t enough anymore.  
  
He got out of his briefs awkwardly and could feel the heat stream into his face when he was back on Jaebum, stark naked and his cock flushed hard and covered in precum.  
  
“You worked yourself up,” Jaebum chuckled and earned a pouty whine from Jinyoung.  
  
“I can stop anytime,” he mumbled, but Jaebum’s grip got tighter on his hips and he looked at him fondly.  
  
“Don’t.”

“Okay,” Jinyoung smiled and leaned down to kiss him again, breathing butterfly kisses onto his lips and pulling away as soon as Jaebum wanted more.  
  
“Such a damn tease,” he complained.  
  
“If…” Jinyoung started but stopped, when he felt the heat in his head again. He looked away for a moment.  
  
“If what?”  
  
“If I wanted to ride you,” Jinyoung suggested awkwardly, “would you have the stuff here?”  
  
Jaebum looked at him with wide eyes.  
  
“You really don’t have to,” he stuttered. “I mean we can wait with that…”  
  
“But if I really wanted?” he mumbled, “I kinda prepared…”  
  
Jinyoung was embarrassed and felt exposed to his bones, but Jaebum’s expression got softer again.  
“In there,” he nodded over to a black suitcase, where a pile of clothes and other stuff was lying around.  
  
Jinyoung made his way over there and dug through the clothes and Jaebum told him where to search and soon he’d dug out a pack of condoms and a small bottle of lube.  
  
Jaebum was waiting patiently for him, leaning up on his elbows and watching his every move.  
  
“You’re gorgeous,” he mumbled and Jinyoung felt the tingles in his stomach.  
  
“So are you,” he smiled, but then he got serious again.  
“Can I ask you something,” Jinyoung started, while crawling back on the bed to him.  
Jinyoung casually reached out for Jaebum’s pants and unzipped them, while that one looked at him confused.

“Sure?”  
Jinyoung slowly pulled Jaebum’s sweatpants down and his heart was racing when he saw the outlines of his length in his briefs.  
  
“Would you have approached me if we didn’t work together?”  
  
“You mean anywhere?”  
Jinyoung nodded and slowly palmed Jaebum’s bulge and watched his breath hitch.  
  
“Who knows,” Jaebum smiled. “Would you have talked to me, greedy boy?” he asked back. Jinyoung stroked Jaebum’s clothed length, feeling how hard it was, wanting to make it even harder.  
  
“Who knows,” he murmured.  
  
Jinyoung carefully pulled Jaebum’s briefs down.. It was the first time he was able to look at him like this and the first time he could take his time, because the night was watching over them like a guardian and the rest of the crew were probably sleeping soundly.  
Jinyoung wanted to take his time, wanted to tease Jaebum a little longer, but he wasn’t as disciplined as he’d like.  
  
He wanted to taste Jaebum, wanted to make him feel good, to make him relax and care for nobody and nothing in the world but him.  
So he made himself at home between his thighs and stroked him and teased him until he was leaking precum. Jinyoung could see in Jaebum’s eyes how much he wanted him to use his tongue, but Jinyoung liked watching him struggle a little longer.  
Jaebum was wide awake now and he couldn’t keep his hands off Jinyoung while that one took his time with him.  
  
“You getting shy?” Jaebum breathed, his voice not half as confident as his words. His hips were already trying not to squirm under Jinyoung’s grip and Jinyoung smiled.  
  
“I’m not shy about this kinda stuff,” he looked up at Jaebum and that one just gave up and let his head fall back into the pillow.  
Jinyoung licked his lips first and then he licked away the precum of Jaebum’s tip and made his thighs stutter a little.  
He could’ve laid there forever, just playing with Jaebum, tasting him and taking him in and feeling his tight grip on his shoulders and then in his hair.  
He was so riled up for him and it made Jinyoung a little proud.  
  
Jinyoung couldn’t tell how much time passed. The two of them kissing the night away, Jaebum taking his time fingering Jinyoung until his face was flushed and his breath unsteady, his voice a little needier and his kisses sloppy.  
Soon their bodies were flushed together, Jinyoung in Jaebum’s lap, rolling his hips slowly, Jaebum deep inside him and Jinyoung’s arms hanging loosely around his neck, Jaebum’s lips working wonders on Jinyoung’s neck.  
  
If it had been cold in the caravan half an hour before, now Jinyoung was about to suffocate from their body heat, but he’d gladly give his life for this.  
All filled up and a growing itch in his stomach whenever his thighs met Jaebum’s.  
He was aching hard now and the way Jaebum left his cock abandoned, flushed and leaking, made Jinyoung desperate for some touches.  
  
But Jaebum took his time, silently teasing him up until it was difficult to endure.  
When he finally curled his fingers around Jinyoung’s cock, it was nearly too much. Jinyoung moaned out and felt a shiver run through his body.  
With a bit of saliva on his hand he started jerking him off.  
  
“Can you,” Jinyoung whined, but interrupted himself with another lewd groan. ”Can you kiss me?”  
  
Jaebum didn’t answer, but just did as he was told, kissing him deeply and slowly, while he didn’t slow down his hand on Jinyoung’s cock.  
Jinyoung bobbed down on him sloppily, trying to get some friction, but slowly losing his concentration and the last remaining bit of his brain.  
Jaebum’s breath was hot on his lips and his tongue made him go insane and he caught Jinyoung’s moans when he finally made him cum all over his hand, his hips stilling and his thigh’s jerking. Jinyoung let the wave wash over him, knowing that Jaebum had him in a tight grip and feeling his body heat everywhere, nearly a bit too much to handle.  
  
He let Jaebum pull out of him and it didn’t take much to stroke him to his own climax, the condom off and abandoned and his cum all over their hands.  
Jinyoung’s breathing was still unsteady and heavy and his body was getting tired, but he kinda wished the night would never come to an end and when he saw Jaebum looking at him, he knew he felt the same.

 

The last scene Jinyoung had to film was one that happened in the last 15 minutes of the movie. They didn’t usually shoot chronologically, but Jaebum suggested it would be more realistic if Jinyoung could feel that it was the end.  
It had to be like this and Jinyoung knew it.  
He had been terrified of this day for weeks, whenever he thought of it, tried not to think about it too much and to abandon thoughts about it in a far away corner of his mind. But now the day was here and his hands just wouldn’t stop sweating.  
The crew had moved to a set they had never filmed at before.  
It was a dark place with depressing scenery. In Ashtray Heart it would be a place close to the lake they had filmed at the very beginning of their shooting.  
But in reality it was a place close to their house, somewhere next to the wasteland with the old fence and the sad trees.  
  
There were ruins of some old warehouses and lots of weeds around it, some old furniture here and there in the grass, discarded by people who didn’t care.  
It wasn’t the whole team this time.  
Just Jaebum and Yugyeom and the camera and lightning and sound technicians.  
They didn’t need any other actors than Jinyoung for the scene. If there was anyone other than Junior it would’ve been a different ending.  
  
While the crew was busy putting up the cameras and Jaebum was talking animatedly with one of the lighting technicians, Jinyoung sat on a big, cold stone with Yugyeom.  
  
“You really didn’t have to come,” he said, but Yugyeom just shook his head.  
  
“I didn’t want you doing this alone,” he explained, “I’m even nervous and I’m not the one doing it.”  
  
“Yeah, thanks for the reminder.”  
  
They didn’t talk for a while, both of them staring into the distance, maybe seeing completely different things and thinking different thoughts.  
  
“Four days to go,” Jinyoung said when he remembered how to speak.  
  
“Yeah,” Yugyeom nodded. ”It’ll feel so weird to go back to normal.”  
  
“I thought I’d be more relieved that we made it in time,” Jinyoung said, “but now I wish we could do this longer.”  
  
“Me too.”  
  
Yugyeom looked at him now, looking him up and down, as if to find out what he was thinking and if they were okay after all.  
  
“What happens to you and Jaebum when shooting’s done?”  
  
Jinyoung swallowed and sighed.  
He wondered if Yugyeom really wanted to know about Jaebum. Or if he maybe also asked ‘will you really text me back? Are we gonna keep in contact?’  
  
“I don’t know yet,” Jinyoung said.  
It was an honest answer to most of the questions in his head right now.

The set was ready and so was the crew. The only one who couldn’t get his shit together was Jinyoung.  
He had been standing there in front of the ruins for minutes and minutes, before sitting down on an old, worn out couch and the gun was so damn heavy in his hand.  
It wasn’t loaded, so how could it be this heavy?  
And it didn’t help that his arms were shaking and his hands sweating and that he could see the way Jaebum was walking in little nervous circles behind the camera, as if he was about to sit down and rewrite the whole damn script. But it was written and weeks and weeks of hard work had made this a necessary task.  
An unavoidable scene.  
  
Jinyoung apologized for taking up so much time and apologized for not being professional enough, but for once, everyone on set was understanding and patient. Maybe they just really didn’t want to film the scene either.  
It was Yugyeom who gave Jinyoung a bit of confidence, smiling and nodding at him from where he sat in Jaebum’s director’s chair, something not everyone would dare to do like that.  
  
Jinyoung took a deep breath and gave his okay.  
Stood up again and watched the camera team getting ready. Jaebum stopped walking his nervous circles.  
Jinyoung wiped his hands on his jeans and readjusted the cold gun in his hand.  
Jaebum called out his “Action” and Jinyoung turned into Junior once again.  
More or less.  
Kind of.  
He tried his very best to, but after all these weeks it was impossible to separate the two of them like that. There was always a little bit of Jinyoung in Junior nowadays and it was okay. It would be okay.  
  
Jinyoung shook his head and tried to get into the right mind space again. The resignation was numbing and his body felt heavy, but never as heavy as the gun in his hand.  
Tara’s face in front on the back of his eyelids, watching him and judging him. It broke his heart all over again to imagine her with this storm in her chest, this final act of desperation in her life.  
What was a rather short scene in a movie for Jinyoung- a part of a job he was getting paid for- had been the last moments of Tara’s life.  
 There hadn’t been cameras with her, there hadn’t been people who watched, only Tara all on her own, saying goodbye to the world without anyone hearing.  
  
He didn’t have to try.  
It came natural when his eyes filled with tears and he looked around the wasteland, as if he was searching for something to hold on to, but even if there was anything out there, he wouldn’t have been able to see it through the overwhelming haze of giving up and the veil of tears in his eyes.  
Lifting up the gun didn’t come as natural.  
Everything in Jinyoung’s body wanted to throw that thing away as far as possible, but Junior managed to gather his last bit of strength and held it up to his head. Pointing it right to his temple, pressing it against his skin, feeling it cold and dangerous, fatal, lingering there.  
There were no bullets, but for a moment Jinyoung felt the need to say goodbye. Just in case.  
  
But he didn’t.  
Didn’t do anything anymore. Everything happened on its own. The tears ran down his cheeks without his consent, his breathing was going rapidly and his hands were shaking all on their own. His eyes closed just like that and a deafening silence came over him.  
All he really did was pull the trigger.

It was silent on set. Maybe there really was no noise for a few seconds and maybe Jinyoung wouldn’t even have noticed it if the world was crumbling down around him.  
  
Then Jaebum yelled “Cut!” and the world started moving again.  
  
Jinyoung opened his eyes and realized that he was still crying and that his hands were trembling now, no control over them whatsoever.  
Jaebum was the first one to reach him and the first thing he did was take that awfully heavy gun out of his hand.  
Jinyoung saw the pain in Jaebum's eyes, no matter how hard he tried to keep up a calm façade.  
Then he pulled him into an organ crashing hug and it was all that Jinyoung needed to snap out of it.  
He could feel his warm arms, tightly around him, and one hand pressing his head closer. Holding it as if it was porcelain, about to break.  
  
“Was it okay?” Jinyoung heard himself ask.  
  
“It was terrifying,” Jaebum said. “But it doesn’t get better than this and I won’t let you do it again.”

Jinyoung nodded and gently freed himself out of Jaebum’s arms. He realized that the rest of the crew was watching and only Yugyeom was awkwardly looking down on his phone, pretending to do something that was more interesting than watching Jinyoung cry in Jaebum’s arms.  
Jinyoung smiled sadly.  
What a mess he'd made in just a few weeks.  
  
“It’s done,” he then said and took a deep breath, finally getting air into his lungs. “That was my last scene.”

“I know,” Jaebum said. “And you were phenomenal. From start to finish.”  
  
They slowly walked off the set and out of everyone’s attention.  
Silently.  
Jinyoung tried to digest everything that happened and miserably failed at sorting his emotions out.  
So he stopped walking, just when they had reached Jaebum’s director’s chair and he looked at him carefully.  
  
“Are we gonna watch the movie together when it’s out?” Jinyoung asked and he saw Jaebum look at him confused.  
“I don’t mean with the others and stuff,” he quickly added. “I mean just the two of us.”  
  
“Are you asking me on a date, Jinyoungie?”  Jaebum smiled, but Jinyoung felt a lump in his throat.  
  
“No, I’m asking you to keep me in your life somehow,” he said and he hated how his voice broke. “Just please don’t act like we never happened.”  
  
“Okay,” Jaebum said. Taking Jinyoung’s hands in his, despite the fact that their team was standing around just out of earshot.   
They didn’t mind. It wasn’t exactly news for any of them anyway.  
  
“You gotta promise,” Jinyoung whined a little, just enough to hide how serious he was about this.  
  
Jaebum nodded and squeezed his hands.  
   
“I promise.”

Jaebum kept his promise and it didn’t seem to cost him much.  
As soon as Jinyoung was back home in his routine, Jaebum texted him every day. Kept him updated about the last few days of shooting and invited them all for dinner, celebrating with the actors, whose work was done.  
Jaebum wasn’t done yet. His job kept going and kept demanding concentration and attention from him and Jinyoung was okay with just texting, or some late night face-timing and now and then sneak peeks of how the movie was coming together.  
  
Jinyoung told Mark about everything that happened with Jaebum and even he seemed to understand that Jinyoung took this seriously.  
That it wasn’t like usually.  
And Mark told him not to get his heart broken, but Jinyoung just rolled his eyes.  
And it might sound a bit cheesy, but when he was little, Jinyoung’s mom used to tell him that “a heart that hurts is a heart that works” and he’d gladly take the risk of getting his broken if it was by Jaebum.

Yugyeom was another frequent texter, even though his updates usually consisted of funny pictures he found on the internet or pictures of a sleeping Bambam, who he had gone on a two week vacation to Spain with.  
Jinyoung smiled when he watched a video Yugyeom sent him of Bambam and himself at an endless looking, crowded beach, Yugyeom’s sunburned face smiling at the camera happily, talking about how good the food was, while Bambam was mostly smiling at Yugyeom.  
  
Jinyoung was content with how things turned out and how easily human beings grew fond of each other.  
How sometimes it just needs a bit of time, different surroundings or a trip to Spain to wake up things that have been slumbering inside them the whole time.

  


  
It was mid July when Jinyoung sat on the big black couch in Jaebum’s apartment, waiting for him to come back with the food he wanted to buy and glancing at his phone over and over again.  
Ten minutes to go. Ashtray Heart’s TV premiere.  
  
They’d already watched it once, with the rest of the crew, weeks ago, but now it was about to be out there for everyone to look at. For Mark and all of Jinyoung’s friends back home, for his family and everyone he knew and didn’t know.  
For a quick moment he closed his eyes and talked to Tara. Told her that it was really done and asked her to ‘please be proud of me’.    
But he knew she would be. It was her story, too, after all.  
  
He was nibbling on his fingernails and looking around in the room that was still new to him.  
He’d arrived the day before, a suitcase with clothes for a week in it and lots of overexcited butterflies in his stomach.  
Jaebum’s apartment was bigger than he’d imagined, modern looking and minimalistic, but not overly clean. There was magazines laying around on the table, cushions on the sofa, some dirty dishes left in the kitchen sink.  
A bunch of photographs of cats and scenery on the walls, a whole equipment of cameras and stuff in one corner of the living room, a wide bookshelf behind the TV.  
The kitchen small, but cozy.  
  
And Jinyoung forced himself not to drift off into fantasies about how it would be to live in this place- with Jaebum.  
Because it wasn’t realistic yet, but it wasn’t completely out of reach either. He just didn’t dare to think about it yet.  
But the distance was killing him sometimes.  
 Both of them.  
  
When Jaebum came in with boxes of Chinese takeout and wine, the intro of Ashtray Heart was already playing.  
Jinyoung’s heart was racing, as he watched the familiar scenery of the lake, looking more aesthetically pleasing and bigger than he remembered it.  
A slow indie song playing in the background, the lyrics something about being in the right place at the wrong time and Jinyoung simply couldn’t relate.  
  
Because in that very moment he was in the only place in the world that made sense to him and when Jaebum had prepared all the food and drinks on the small glass table in front of them, Jinyoung shook his head in disbelief.  
  
“I can’t believe it’s done,” he said and Jaebum put his arm around Jinyoung’s shoulder and pulled him closer to himself, breathing a soft kiss to his temple.  
Then he nodded.  
  
“Yeah, we really did it, huh?” he said as they both looked at the TV together. “You did an amazing job!”  
  
“All thanks to the director,” Jinyoung grinned.  
  
 He made himself comfortable in Jaebum’s arms and when he watched Junior appear on screen, in his small depressing room, with a sad look on his face, Jinyoung took a deep breath and closed this chapter of his life.  
For new ones to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the ending didn't feel toooooo rushed, but I edited it a few times and just didn't know how to do it better... feedback is welcome :')

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wanted to just write a short smut but then plot and actual characters happened I'm sorry D:
> 
> please let me know if you like it and... .mmmhhhh yeah thank you ♥


End file.
